So let’s have a look at a summary of the four differing styles.

Authoritarian Parenting

The first is authoritarian parenting, which is the harsh, punishment based type of parenting. In this style the parent believes that “children should be seen and not heard”, that “it’s my way or the highway”. They tend to use a strict discipline style where punishment is common, there is little negotiation or communication with children. The parent has really strict rules and often doesn’t explain these rules to children, but states “because I said so”, which can leave children confused and without an understanding of WHY the rules are the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents don’t get to express their feelings, and parents tend to be less nurturing. Children are not able to share their thoughts and are not able to be involved in problem-solving, they must simply obey the parent.

The evidence tells us that children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren’t valued. They might also become aggressive in their behaviour which is often because they focus a lot of anger towards their parent. A really common outcome for children is that they tend to lie a lot in an effort to avoid punishment.

Permissive Parenting

Next we see permissive parenting, which is on the other end of the spectrum, because these parents mostly let their children do what they want, and they offer limited guidance or direction.

Permissive parents rarely enforce any rules that are set and they don’t give consequences – they are very lenient. They believe that children learn best when they don’t get involved. Communication is open but parents don’t help their child by giving any direction. Parents are quite forgiving and believe “kids will be kids” when the child makes mistakes.

Permissive parents tend to be loving, warm and nurturing, but often take on more a friend role than a parent role in guiding and directing a child.

Children who grow up with permissive parents are also likely to have self-esteem issues, and report a lot of sadness. We know that children crave structure and boundaries, and the lack of these can impact on their mood, as well as leading to behavioural problems, especially when they might not respect authority and rules.

What’s really interesting about this parenting style and the outcomes for children is that there’s a lot of evidence that suggests that children of permissive parents are at a higher risk for health problems like obesity and dental cavities, because permissive parents struggle to limit junk food and don’t enforce teeth brushing. This is the only parenting style that seems to have an impact on children’s physical health.

Uninvolved Parenting

The uninvolved parent is a little different from the permissive parent because although there’s also no structure and boundaries, it often can feel like the parent doesn’t care.

Uninvolved parents give children a lot of freedom, and rarely know where their child is. They don’t spend much time with their child, or ask about school or homework. They don’t set boundaries, give guidance or attention and are often not very nurturing. These parents may border on neglectful, or may become neglectful in meeting children’s basic needs.

Uninvolved parenting may occur as a result of substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs, mental health issues (for example, a depressed parent), or parents who are workaholics or overwhelmed with parenting, or managing a household.

Like authoritarian and permissive parenting, uninvolved parenting can result in children with low self-esteem and unhappiness. These children often perform poorly in school and have frequent behaviour problems.

As you have seen, the first three parenting styles are less than ideal. This brings us to the fourth style, which is the optimal style of parenting as the research shows it is the most beneficial for children.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents are nurturing and set high, clear expectations for their children. Boundaries and rules are enforced but the child’s thoughts and feelings are always considered.

Authoritative parents are really good at creating and maintaining a positive relationship with their child, and have open communication to talk things through. When boundaries are held, parents explain the rationale so that the child understands. These parents are loving and nurturing.

Outcomes for children with authoritative parents are positive. Children are most likely to become responsible adults who feel comfortable expressing their emotions, are happy and successful. These children are really good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own.

If you’d like to learn more about the 4 styles of parenting, please have a look at these links:

Dr Justin Coulson’s Happy Families

Diana Baumrind’s Parenting Styles

Medical review of why parenting styles matter

You might recognise your parents in some of these parenting styles. Sometimes a parent may sit completely in one style and at other times they might move between a couple of them. Take note of yours, because it is likely that the style of your parents may move into the way that you parent your own children.

Dr Justin Coulson outlines in his article which I’ve attached above that there is only one way to parent… 

”studies suggest pretty clearly that there is a right way to parent. It’s authoritatively – with a big emphasis on autonomy support rather than control. By letting go of power and by developing our children’s ability to make good decisions for themselves, we make better kids, and happier families.”

Dr Justin Coulson

Dr Coulson is a host of Parental Guidance 2021, starting on Channel 9 on Monday. It will be interesting to see how he covers these parenting styles as I’ve outlined them above.

Gentle Parenting

This leads us to gentle parenting which is an evidenced-based approach to raising happy, confident children.

This parenting style is composed of four main elements:

• empathy
• respect
• understanding
• boundaries

Gentle parenting reflects on the principles of authoritative parenting in that it focuses on providing consistent boundaries while also being very compassionate. It focuses on teaching valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishments.

Research suggests that gentle parenting reduces the risk of your child developing anxiety, and it rarely has a negative impact on children’s mental health in general, unlike authoritarian, permissive or uninvolved parenting.

There can often be confusion in our society where it is thought that gentle parenting is similar to permissive parenting. It is not the case that as a gentle parent we ‘let children walk all over us’ because we don’t discipline our children. Remember, discipline means ‘to teach’, and our focus with gentle parenting is to teach our children with compassion, rather than punish them.

Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting is another evidenced-based approach to parenting that complements the gentle parenting approach and the authoritative parenting style.

Attachment parenting focuses on the connection parents can develop with their children in order to raise secure, independent and empathetic children. It is believed that a secure, trusting attachment to parents during childhood forms the basis for secure relationships and independence as adults.

Dr William Sears is a well known paediatrician in the United States who developed Attachment Parenting International, which is a worldwide educational association for this style of parenting. In his work, Dr Sears established 8 principles of attachment parenting which are:

1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting
2. Feed with love and respect
3. Respond with sensitivity: dysregulation in children is normal as babies and toddlers don’t have the capacity to understand their emotions – and that ALL emotional outbursts are an effort at communication. These efforts should not be dismissed nor punished.
4. Use nurturing touch: maximise skin-to-skin touching for babies, and even toddlers for bonding and calming dysregulated children. Babywear as much as possible.
5. Engage in nighttime parenting: where possible, utilise safe co-sleeping arrangements and respond to baby’s cries as quickly as possible.
6. Provide constant, loving care
7. Practice positive discipline: follow the principles of authoritative parenting or gentle parenting.
8. Strive for balance in personal and family life: parents are encouraged to create a supportive village to prevent parenting burn-out.

If you’d like to read more on attachment parenting, please see here. If you’d like to learn how to address the way your parents raised you and how you would like to put authoritative, gentle and attachment parenting into practice, you might like to consider attending a Circle of Security Parenting program, or seeing me individually for extra support.

Finding your feet in your parenting style can take time. It’s often after the first year of our child’s life that we finally come up for air, right about the time when our child can become dysregulated with their emotions and we start to see the more challenging behaviours. It can be a tough time trying to be the parent we want to be, pushing away all the instinctual parenting strategies we have learned from our parents that we don’t like, while at the same time coping with those daily challenges of our little ones.

Remember, no matter what, you don’t have to do parenting alone.

The post Parenting Styles appeared first on Making Mama.

The organisation PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia) tells us that at least one in five women experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy and/or following birth. One in ten fathers experience depression and anxiety following the birth of a baby.

I found it significant that nearly every single mum in the Mama Village mothers groups this week shared experiences of postnatal depression and anxiety to varying degrees. Whilst I certainly expected to hear stories from mums given the rates in our community, I was surprised at the level of impact depression and anxiety is having on us all.

Whilst there may not be adequate research in the causes of the rise, I truly believe that the loss of our physical villages has had a big impact on the experiences of mothers and fathers. The fact so many of us live away from our family and friends, that we have limited support, and often feel lonely and isolated certainly doesn’t help our mental health.

There’s also a number of other things that can increase the risk including:

• a history of depression or anxiety
• a family history of depression or anxiety
• a history of loss (fertility treatment, miscarriage, stillbirth)
• a difficult pregnancy
• a traumatic birth
• separation from baby following birth (baby in NICU, special care)
• illness for mum or baby at time of birth
• post birth injuries/wounds/pain
• breastfeeding difficulties and grief and loss
• life events – family deaths, moving house, financial strain etc

Signs and symptoms

• panic attacks (racing heart, palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking)
• persistent, generalised worry, often focused on fears for the health, wellbeing or safety of baby
• obsessive or compulsive thoughts and/or behaviours
• intrusive or disturbing thoughts
• mood swings
• feeling constantly sad, low, or crying for no obvious reason
• feeling nervous, ‘on edge’ or panicky
• feeling tired or lacking energy
• having little or no interest in the things that normally bring you joy
• sleeping too much or not sleeping well
• withdrawing from friends and family
• being easily annoyed or irritated
• feeling angry
• finding it difficult to focus (brain fog)
• thoughts of harming your baby or yourself

What can we do about it?

If you identify with a number of the symptoms above that have occurred in the past 7 days, or know someone who is struggling, please follow these suggestions:

1. See a GP for assessment.
2. Start counselling.
3. Discuss whether antidepressant medication is suitable for you with your GP.
4. Exercise – the release of endorphins has been proven to assist in mood – it’s not just good for your body, but your mind.
5. Eat well – nourishing your body with good nutrition will help it function at its optimal level. Avoid the blood sugar swings when eating sugary foods and carbs.
6. Sleep or rest as much as you can – sleep deprivation can really have a negative effect on our mental health (I probably didn’t need to tell you this!).
7. Build your village of support – ask for help! If you don’t have anyone to volunteer to help (family or friends), consider paying for help – hire a postnatal doula, hire a cleaner, buy in some meals to be delivered to your home, get your groceries delivered. Take steps to lessen your load, even if it’s a short term solution.
8. Find emotional support – it might be through counselling, through the Mama Village mothers groups, or another service. There are plenty of services available for you to connect with other mums. If you need suggestions, please ask me and I will point you in the right direction!
9. Reach out to other mums to normalise your experiences. Given the rates of depression and anxiety you most likely won’t need to go far to find someone else struggling too.
10. Understand that your mental health is just as important as your physical health. You will be a better person, a better mother, if you take care of your mental health.

I regularly see mums in counselling for postnatal depression and anxiety. If you feel like you need support in this area, please let me know to make an appointment. Otherwise, if you would prefer to see someone else, and don’t know where to look, let me know that too and I’ll happily refer you elsewhere.

Please don’t struggle alone. Support is out there. It CAN get better and it will get better with the right treatment and support in place for you. Click here for further support.

The post Postnatal depression, anxiety and rage appeared first on Making Mama.

Services provided to mothers during pregnancy are often all focused on the pregnancy and the birth. Fair enough. Both are absolutely important. But what about when baby comes home? What about the birth debriefing that most mums don’t get? What about the village of support that doesn’t really exist for most mums anymore? Where does she find that? How does she build it? There’s often no physical support but more times than not, there’s also no emotional support either. How does she know that her newborn baby’s behaviours are normal? How does she know that it’s okay to cry because of sleep deprivation or not knowing what she’s doing, or missing her mum who lives interstate or overseas?

I asked the mums in the Mama Village mothers group this week about this. They pretty much all agreed that this was their experience – a lot of focus on childbirth during pregnancy and none on what happens when the baby comes home. Here’s what they had to say:

• “I didn’t have connection with other mums”
• “I needed meals provided so I could be fed and nourished”
• “Covid restrictions made me feel really isolated”
• “I struggled with sleep deprivation and I didn’t know about baby development”
• “I needed help with chores like housework and cooking”
• “I needed support so I could sleep; I needed someone I trusted to look after the baby”
• ‘I just needed an extra set of hands”
• “I didn’t know if what my baby was doing was normal; is he sleeping okay? Is he breathing okay?”
• “I felt like it was my responsibility to care for the baby (and not wanting others to do so)”
• “I struggled with the lack of routine and predictability when this was how my life was before baby”
• “I didn’t have the ‘right’ support – when a family stays to ‘help’ and it causes additional stress due to conflict and judgement”

We know that mums often feel incredibly emotionally vulnerable after giving birth. Even if the birth went really well for the mum (and baby), all of the raging hormones postpartum make for an emotional cocktail. Add to that the sleep deprivation that comes with newborns and hello… Can we say tears and tears? Sound familiar? I remember those days well, even 13 years down the track. 

“Motherhood intensifies everything. It makes the good moments better and can make the challenges far, far harder. It has rocked me to my core in a way that nothing else has. It has asked more of me than anything and has also given me a great chance to grow.”

A number of studies have found that when mums feel unprepared or are struggling to cope with all the changes to their physical health after they’ve had a baby, they are more likely to feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or depressed.

We need to do more to support mums. 

We have lost our physical villages that existed for mums many generations ago. Modern society isolates nuclear families. We don’t want to impose on families. We want to give them space. We leave them alone. And that’s how they end up feeling. Alone. 

Harvey Karp is an American paediatrician who has authored many books on babies and parenting. He says “it used to be that young women would be with other young women, helping take care of their babies, and there was this automatic transfer of knowledge.” We’ve certainly lost that. 

Asking for help 

How does the thought of asking for help make you feel? You might feel guilty for putting someone out, you might not want to burden others, you might feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness, that you would look incompetent, like not a good enough mother. You might be afraid the person will say no. 

It’s really hard to ask for help. I know this! I truly believe it comes with practice. We often don’t need any help before we have our first baby. It can be such a pride thing in not wanting to ask for help. But what could be the worst thing that could happen if you ask for help? They might say no. They might judge you and think that you can’t cope. You know what? Support with judgement is not support. It’s just judgement. People who judge you don’t belong in your village. It can absolutely be hurtful. It can be disappointing. But we need to emotionally care for ourselves by including supportive people and moving unsupportive judgemental people a bit further away, or completely away from our lives if you can. 

People usually offer to help because they want to. I have learned that it’s easier to say yes to offers of help if people are specific. Saying to me ‘let me know if I can do anything to help’ is probably really genuine, but if I have a hard time asking, I probably never will. Someone who says ‘I will drop a meal off to you’ or ‘would you like a meal?’ is more likely to hear an ‘okay’ from me. It’s a great tip to remember when you are the one offering help! The other thing I’ve done is don’t give the person a chance to say no. Take a meal to a mum and pretend you are busy and can’t stay – “I really can’t stay but just wanted to drop this meal to help out”. You don’t overstay your welcome and she will be ever so grateful. And you know what? She’ll probably repay the favour when you need some extra help. You might not have a young baby anymore, but you might have another, or you might be sick as a dog one day and can’t get out of bed to cook dinner. It goes around in circles. 

We need to be vulnerable and sometimes a little brave. Brene Brown says that vulnerability leads to connection and that asking for help gives the opportunity to form deeper connections with people. Isn’t that what forming this village is all about?

We need to normalise honest motherhood and keep being real. The more we keep the facade that all is okay, the less permission we give to other mothers to be honest.

So now it’s time to build our own village. But how? Here’s some tips!

I don’t want you to think of villages as just a handful of people who give you practical hands-on support in your home. Let’s think big! 

I’ve broken it down into a few categories or parts. 

1. Your phone village 

• Who could you call? Think of 3 people you would call that you could be real, honest, and vulnerable with – they don’t have to be in your physical village. 
• Also include professional resources – Panda, Parentline, a child health nurse, ABA, GP

2. Online village 

• Facebook groups like the closed group for the Mama Village, the public group for Making Mama, or other community mothers groups
• Create a Messenger group or WhatsApp group with friends
• Listen to podcasts on mothering or parenting
• Do online shopping for groceries or other things
• Set up automation of your bills – stop paying late fees!

3. Community

• Join a book night
• Join a craft night
• Start a walking group, go to mums and bubs yoga or an exercise class to make  friends
• Join a mama bake (get together and cook)
• Go to kids activities (library rhyme time, music classes, swimming lessons)
• Help each other out at home (washing dishes together, washing and folding laundry – rather than hosting their visit)
• Hold pot luck dinners where everyone brings a plate to share
• Have babysitting swaps
• Mums groups

4. Connect with old friends

• Organise a girls night out
• Coffee dates
• Lunch dates
• Mums and bubs movies
• Takeaway dinners/pot luck dinners

5. Pay for your village

• Get a cleaner
• Hire a babysitter (which also builds your kids village by having other adults in their lives)
• Hire a postpartum doula
• Attend a mums group to find the friendships and connections
• Go to counselling – which helps maintain your emotional wellbeing where your counsellor is part of your village of support

6. Think local

• Cafes where you get your regular coffee and the barista knows your order
• Parks where you can make new friends (be brave and invite someone for coffee)
• Child care
• Schools – help out in the classroom, join the tuckshop, go to the park plays and social events for parents
• Neighbours – host a street party, ask them for a coffee, bake something and visit

7. Give and take

• Offer meals
• Babysit another child
• Clothes swaps
• Mama bake – all cook/bake together

There’s a lot we can do. My village has changed throughout my journey of being a mum. It started with 2-3 other mums from my hospital antenatal class who were my ultimate support in the first year. Then I joined the Australian Breastfeeding Association and the mums there were my tribe for the next 10 years. During this time my kids started school and I made mum friends there too from my kids’ classes or from the tuckshop mums I met with each time I volunteered. In the mix I also had my sister and mum for great support as well. Think big, and form your village of support – motherhood is not a journey we are meant to do alone. We are meant to do it with other people. It will make a difference. 

If you don’t have a village, if you are struggling with any part of mothering, please reach out to me. I’m happy to chat about the services I offer to see which is the best fit for you. You don’t have to do mothering alone. 

Join the Mama Village now: https://makingmamavillage.com.au/mama-village-babies-term-3-2021/

Contact me for counselling to help support you in your adjustment to motherhood: https://makingmamavillage.com.au/individual-counselling

The post Preparing for baby and forming your village of support appeared first on Making Mama.

We all know the story. You went out to the local shopping centre to get a few jobs done. You had a list of 10 items and only three got ticked off. The baby cried because she was tired and couldn’t sleep. The toddler threw himself on the floor in a tantrum when you wanted him to hurry up with the pull along shopping basket and you tried to ‘help’. Mr Independent wanted to do it all.by.himself. Ugh. The whole thing was a disaster.

Does shopping with young children have to be this hard?

In the ideal world we would all have a village of support where you can pass your baby and toddlers to someone else’s loving arms to care for while you get stuff done.

My top 7 tips for managing shopping with young children

We all need to get stuff done, right? It might be the errands at a shopping centre, or it could be grocery shopping. Trying to do so with babies and toddlers in tow is definitely not easy. It does vary from family to family depending on the temperament of the child and how many children you are wrangling, and other factors outside our control. Here are my top tips I’ve learned along the way by experiencing the hard times:

1. Take a photo of inside your fridge before you go shopping. How many times when you are doing groceries can you just not remember if you need milk? Yep, always. There’s always something you can’t remember because you.are.just.so.tired. Solve that by taking photos of inside the fridge, freezer, pantry before you go.
2. Go shopping when your baby and toddler is not too tired. Taking tired children shopping almost always ends in disaster, unless they are brilliant at falling asleep in a baby carrier or stroller. I used to time my grocery shopping when I knew my baby was tired. This only worked because I would pop her in the baby carrier and she would sleep for the whole hour while I shopped in peace. Put her in the trolley capsule and she’d be crying the whole time!
3. Use snacks to keep your kids happy while you shop. Whether you take advantage of the ‘free fruit for kids’ in some supermarkets in Australia, or you bring your own snacks, if it means you can whiz around without too much disruption – do what works! You can also get your kids to count the pieces of fruit into the produce bags, or ask the toddler to put (aka throw!) each item into the trolley. Involving the kids in the activity can make it more bearable (and can keep them from wanting to climb out of the trolley!).
4. Use your baby carriers for your baby or toddler – put toddlers on your back – it keeps them from touching everything! You won’t find yourself saying a million times to ‘put that back’, ‘don’t touch’ etc. It also helps in this current climate of COVID-19 to keep their hands sanitised. It also gives you two free hands to wrangle the shopping!
5. Work around your partner’s schedule so you can shop alone. When my daughter was 2 years old she hated the stroller, wanted to walk everywhere and touched everything! It drove me mad because I felt like I was constantly asking her to stop and I couldn’t get things done quickly. So, I started shopping on Thursday nights when the shops were open late. I waited until my husband was home from work, we had done the dinner and bath routine, and I had breastfed my daughter to sleep. Then I had about 90 minutes to run like crazy, but it was less stressful and I got more achieved!
6. Shop online. Some mums literally don’t have anyone to ask to care for their children. You might be a single mum, have a FIFO partner, or one who just travels a lot for work, or you might just not want to leave your baby with someone else (completely understandable!). If shopping with your baby or toddler is plain hard work, then perhaps online shopping is the way to go for you. It can really take the pressure off.
7. Do your grocery shopping online. If grocery shopping is becoming a nightmare, or you.just.don’t.have.time anymore, shop online. The prices are usually a tiny bit more expensive, and yes, you may need to pay for delivery, but I swear, you’ll save money from not buying all the impulse buys! You create a standard list on the supermarket website, which you quickly tick through each time, and then grab the extras you need. It has been a lifesaver for me over the last few years as my life has become busier. I also don’t have kids begging for particular foods because they don’t get to see all the options out there – most of which are highly processed and unhealthy anyway!

So, what do you do?

Which tip resonates the most with you?

Being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences a woman can go through. We all have different stories though – some mums have had the fortune of easy breastfeeding, a settled baby who sleeps for long periods, and babies and toddlers who have calm temperaments so they can get out and about and get stuff done. Conversely, there are mums where things are tough. The unsettled baby, the one who hardly sleeps a wink, the exhausted mum who just can’t go out because the baby or toddler cries all the time. If you are this mum, you can feel like a failure because you don’t have the ‘happy child’, you are a failure because you can’t achieve just a few errands or one whole grocery shop without incident and it all equals one big fat feeling of loneliness. So to help you, I’d recommend following at least one of the above tips. It’s amazing how much better you will feel to achieve something without the screaming child.

Key takeaways from this shopping adventure

1. As always, find what works for you and your child. If your baby sleeps well in a sling/carrier, use it! If your baby doesn’t, maybe online shopping is better for you for right now. Remember, this won’t last forever!
2. Be kind to yourself. If today was a terrible time at the shopping centre, try again another day. You are not a failure, that’s just your critical self talking. You are a good mother whose child just didn’t cope with the circumstances today.
3. The best way to manage the rollercoaster of motherhood is to actually go with the flow. If you get upset and think it’s all too hard because your toddler laid on the floor of the supermarket screaming because you said no to the lollies, it will feel intolerable. Take every win you get. Look for the good.

Final Thoughts

There’s a story about a mum who was overheard in the supermarket saying to her toddler who wanted a toy, “not today, but it’s okay, there’s only 2 more aisles to go”. They went down the next aisle and the toddler threw himself on the floor because he wanted the chips and his mum said no. The mum said, “I know this feels hard, you are tired, but we are nearly finished and then we’ll go home”. As the mum was going through the checkout and the toddler was still crying and wanting the lollipop on display, she said, “you’ve done so well, it’s time to go home and rest now and then do something fun!” The observer approached the mum and complimented her on how well she had spoken to her toddler in a difficult time. The mum turned and said, “oh, I wasn’t talking to him, I was talking to myself!”

If you are looking for more help with mum hacks, check out the workshop called The Messy Life.

The post 7 Tips to Surviving Shopping with Babies and Toddlers appeared first on Making Mama.