Separation anxiety is not just tough for kids, it is absolutely heartbreaking for us as mums! It can leave us feeling emotionally raw, bawling our eyes out in the hallway of a child care centre or in our car after the horrendous goodbye. It can make us feel really angry – why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard? Why is it taking THIS long for my child to adjust? ARGH….. Then comes the guilt. Know what I’m talking about?

Both of my kids really struggled with separation anxiety as toddlers so I am very well versed both in some tips to help reduce it in your children, as well as all the emotions we face as mums. I’ve cried in hallways and lost it in frustration, anger and emotional exhaustion.

We know that it is a completely normal part of child development and it also indicates that your child has a strong attachment to you, but in the moment, it doesn’t really help, does it?

Suggestions

A couple of really good books to read to your child are The Invisible String and A Kissing Hand for Chester Raccoon. Both of these books had huge circulation in my home with my kids when they were struggling with separation.

One of the things I implemented with my daughter when she was in Prep (and still crying at drop off each day), was the laminated love hearts. We drew them, she coloured them in, they were laminated and then cut out. At drop off we would take two love hearts, each kiss one, then swap. She would put her love heart in the pocket of her uniform and know that I was with her throughout the day. It really helped.

Another option is giving your child something of yours. Buy a cheap beaded bracelet and ask your child to look after mummy’s special bracelet throughout the day. It helps children feel important, that they have an important job to take care of something that belongs to you. It can make them feel really special while you are apart. Another option you can use if you are leaving your child at home in the care of someone else is to give them a shirt or pyjama top of yours. They can wear it or snuggle with it in bed. Even though my kids are now tweens and teens, they still ask for my pyjama top in times when they struggle with the separation.

At the end of the day, it is a really passage of time that you will face as a mother. I completely get it. I understand from a social work/psychology perspective, as well as a mother who has been there.

If you would like extra support in dealing with separation anxiety in your child, please reach out to me. I’m happy to help and can see you for a one on one session. Contact me here.

The post Dealing with separation anxiety in children appeared first on Making Mama.

Experts know that the rates of postnatal depression and anxiety are on the rise. Is it because life after the birth of a baby is changing and making it more stressful? Is it because we are more aware of the symptoms and therefore mums are seeking treatment more often? I have a sneaking suspicion that the isolation many mums feel is a huge contributing factor.

Common feelings for mums

• The loneliness and helplessness in the middle of the night when your baby won’t stop crying no matter what settling techniques you try to use.
• You thought breastfeeding was ‘natural’ and would just happen, and when your baby won’t latch you feel like a failure and the only mum experiencing this. Because everyone else seems to breastfeed fine, right?
• Your baby won’t sleep anywhere unless you are holding him or her. You worry your baby is broken, there’s something wrong, you obviously haven’t learned the right way to ‘get your baby to sleep by him/herself’.
• You feel like you are always struggling. You feel really emotional, and cry easily. The sleep deprivation, the constant ‘go go go’ of mothering – breastfeeding/bottle feeding, changing nappies, getting your baby to sleep – never ends. You get NOTHING done around the house. It’s a pigsty and you haven’t eaten a hot meal in one go or had a hot tea or coffee entirely since before your baby was born.

You are not alone. I cannot tell you how many mums feel some or all of the above. Times have changed. Mums didn’t necessarily feel all of this many many decades ago. You know why?

We’ve lost our village.

Imagine back in the days when we all used to live very close by to our extended families. We had our mothers, grandmothers, aunties all nearby to provide practical and emotional support. We all parented one another’s kids. You didn’t have to face much alone because someone was always available within arm’s reach.

As travel increased over the past 70 or so years, families have dispersed around the world. The consequence of this is that new mums often feel really isolated. Many don’t have any family living nearby, nor friends with babies to form their mothers’ village.

In my years of working with mums, about 90% say they are looking for a mothers’ group because they feel lonely and isolated. It is so incredibly common!

How to find your mothers’ village with a baby

• Attend the mothers’ groups at Making Mama!
• Find mothers’ groups through your local child health clinics
• Find mothers’ groups through other businesses for mums – some offer support for mums and some offer activities for babies
• Attend your local library for baby related activities
• Join a local fitness group for mums
• Attend a local breastfeeding group with the Australian Breastfeeding Association
• Attend a local playgroup with Playgroup Australia or likewise

One of the things I’ve realised as my children have grown is that no matter how old they are, we all continue to need a village. I needed mum support when my kids were in primary school AND high school. Children go through so many stages and various challenges and it’s always a wonderful feeling to realise other parents go through similar experiences and that you are not alone.

Ways to form your mothers’ village for older children

• Volunteer for the school tuckshop – it is a great source of information about the school and an opportunity to form lasting friendships with other mothers
• Volunteer as school-based parent helpers – sports carnivals, classroom assistance etc
• Volunteer for the school P&F (or P&C)
• Volunteer for the school fete (if you have one)
• Attend class or year level parent dinners/social events/play dates for kids

It can be a difficult thing to show up to something you haven’t been to before, when you don’t know anyone, and you are feeling less than perfect (about your mothering, about your appearance, about anything really). Most mums feel some level of anxiety walking into a room of strangers, hoping to God you won’t be judged for something. It takes courage and a bit of bravery. Listen to your gut instincts. You will know if it feels right for you. You will know if you feel you connected to the person in charge or other mums. You will know if you feel supported in anything you contribute or say. You will know if you feel safe and accepted.

Look for your village mamas. I promise you that your mothers’ village will see you through the hard days. Whether it’s a text message to another mum in the middle of the night saying ‘this sucks!’ and she says ‘oh I know it!’, whether you seek information about something or just need to hear ‘yep, that’s happening for me too’, it is worth its weight in gold. Ease the isolation. Ease the loneliness. Find your tribe. Find your village of support. You don’t need to do mothering alone.

To find your village through the Making Mama mothers’ groups, click here for more information.

The post The importance of the mothers’ village appeared first on Making Mama.

“I came home from hospital with C-Man on day five, and ended up with bleeding nipples the very next afternoon. I fell apart emotionally when C-Man had blood running out of his mouth. By coincidence, the midwife called right at that time so she had me crying on the phone. She was so nice and suggested I stop breastfeeding for at least 24 hours to give the nipples a break so I expressed for about 36 hours until the midwife came to visit a few days later. It was a really emotional time, I think I cried from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning.”

Breastfeeding Challenges

I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do.

The things that made it hard

When I read back through my notes from the early days of breastfeeding, a few big things stand out – my desire to breastfeeding because I believed it was the normal and natural way to feed a baby, my misconception that breastfeeding would be easy, the conflicting advice I received, and the pain and subsequent emotional upheaval I went through. Let’s have a look at my notes…

1. “Because I didn’t get to have a vaginal delivery breastfeeding is the only natural thing I get to do with him and it’s really important to me. I will be COMPLETELY devastated if I can’t breastfeed.  As well as the benefits for the baby, it’s just such a natural thing I want to do from my core – especially because I didn’t have a vaginal delivery – I will be absolutely gutted if I can’t – and because I’m so stubborn, I will keep persevering through this pain and hopefully it might get better!”

2. “I never knew that breastfeeding was so challenging! I’ve seen so many other women feed and it seems so easy. If I didn’t realise there was professional help I probably would have given up too because of the pain, and then I would have been an emotional wreck for a long time about it.”

3. “Last week I was told by Child Health I had nipple thrush. Yesterday morning the GP said I had nipple vasospasm. Then the lactation consultant said she didn’t believe I had either. The differing opinions has just completely done my head in! She agreed I have some new damage (blisters – oh how lovely!), but couldn’t figure out why because the latching on was fine. I just wanted a quick fix – some medication or something to take the pain away because I am so over it! But no – I have to persevere and maybe it will stop at some point.”

4. “I’m still torturing the poor child because sometimes it takes 4 or 5 attachments to get it right so he doesn’t like having to come off all the time when he’s hungry! It’s really starting to hurt a lot again (different hurt to the cracked nipples though), so I’m not sure what’s happening. When C-Man’s latched on he really pulls his head back hard so it feels like my nipple is going to be ripped off and I don’t know how to stop him. I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do. It’s so painful – at my worst, C-Man will be screaming and I’ll be bawling and just cuddling him because I can’t bear to have him go on! There must be light at the end of the tunnel – maybe if I wasn’t so tired I might see it!! I think the really long feeds were really draining me – physically and maybe emotionally. I just wanted them to end. The pain was awful, and went through to my back – straight through the breast into the back – and it was so tiring. I have absolutely NO pain in my right breast – and it’s actually enjoyable (never thought it would get to that point!) but the left is painful – sometimes pretty bad – during attachment and then eases and is very comfortable. Now that the feeds are shorter and pain free, I’ve really felt more bonded to him in the last couple of days – and just can’t stop cuddling him afterwards, whereas before all I wanted to do was put him down because I was so tired from feeding.”

5. “I sat there feeding last night with tears running down my face and I don’t want this to be a negative experience for me, or C-Man, because I’m sure he senses the negative vibes. I think I know what I’m doing wrong (moving his head towards the breast), but I panic when he’s in a frenzy and won’t latch on and is waving his arms around and shoving his fists in his mouth and I can’t hold his body, my breast, and his 2 arms all at the same time, and he’s screaming his head off. I need to learn how to manage that. For most feeds today C-Man goes about 10 minutes then fights the breast, crying and wrapping his tongue around the tip of my nipple and not latching on.  It ended up with me in tears tonight because I thought he was hungry and I couldn’t feed him.” 

So, where did this leave me?

The two most common breastfeeding problems that mums hear about is not enough milk and mastitis. I didn’t have either. But I did have a whole bunch of other problems that are not commonly discussed amongst mums. Initiating breastfeeding with my first baby was one of my biggest challenges. It turns out I had cracked and bleeding nipples, nipple thrush, nipple vasospasm, a fast flow causing attachment issues, and an oversupply of breastmilk which caused lactose overload in my baby. Phew. That’s a lot! 

In many cases, this would mean early cessation of breastfeeding, but I weaned my baby when he was 15 months old. So other than my stubbornness and perseverance, which all come down to my personality, what else got me over the line? Support, support, support! I now know that support and correct information is what helps mums successfully breastfeed for as long as they and their baby wish. For me it was support from my husband, my mum, my sister and a couple of friends. I also had support from health professionals, albeit confusing and conflicting, it helped me navigate my way through. 

Key takeaways from my breastfeeding experience

1. If it hurts, there is something not right with the attachment.
2. Find support from those around you. If you don’t have anyone in your direct life, seek support from breastfeeding experts or find other breastfeeding mothers. 
3. Seek as much information as you can from reputable sources. Attend an antenatal breastfeeding class and join the local breastfeeding support group in your area.

Final Thoughts

I believe that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed human babies, but it is a learned skill. The covering up of babies whilst they are breastfeeding, combined with the declining rates of breastfeeding in the last number of decades has meant that our first time mums sometimes don’t have exposure to breastfeeding, or the village of support that once existed. We don’t have our elders teaching us how to do it. Therefore we must rely on breastfeeding experts, International Board Certified Lactation Consultants, workshops on breastfeeding issues, or leading authorities in breastfeeding like the Australian Breastfeeding Association to provide us with the correct information and support. Finding a breastfeeding support group can be crucial for some mums, and something I wish I had found when I was going through all my difficulties with C-Man. It would have certainly helped to realise I was not alone and that it would get better. It doesn’t necessarily take the physical pain away, but it eases the emotional pain. We all need that kind of support. 

The post When Breastfeeding Isn’t Easy appeared first on Making Mama.

Are you a stay at home mum? Who stays at home? Who has all day to get stuff done, yet suddenly it is almost dinner time, your partner is about to walk through the door and the place is a tip? The guilt sets in. What did you actually do all day? No housework got done, the washing you put in the machine is still sitting in there wet, the dirty dishes are piling up, and you can’t remember if you had a shower. Hmm… if this sounds like you, you are not alone!

How will you ever get housework done?

Yes, I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? The kids are still alive!

My Top 5 Housework Tips

1. Baby wipes are your best friend! You can use them to wipe furniture, benches, bathroom sinks, walls. They can wipe anything off your baby’s hands and face, or your own. Keep them everywhere – in the house, the car, the nappy bag, the bottom of the pram! If you don’t like the idea of using copious amounts of baby wipes for environmental or financial reasons, buy some cheap face washers. Use them after your baby has eaten family foods and it’s everywhere and then throw them in the wash. Use them to wipe down the bathroom sink! 

2. Clean as you go. While you are brushing your teeth, wipe the sink with a cloth. Having a shower? Scrub the walls. We don’t have time for proper cleaning when we have babies and toddlers so just get the bare basics done when you can. Wipe the fridge out while you wait for vegies to cook. 

3. Run the dishwasher even if it isn’t full. I didn’t learn this tip until my kids were much older but I love it! It means that you regularly have clean dishes, even if you use the eco cycle to use less water.

4. Become a laundry master. For every person in your house, have a separate laundry basket. You most likely throw it all into one basket in a mess and it might get dumped on the couch, your kitchen table, or the floor because you need to use the basket again for the next load. Go and buy a few cheap baskets. Every time you take the washing off the line or out of the dryer, place each item into each person’s basket. That way if you are hectic and need clean undies for yourself, you know to go straight to your own basket and they will be there. You don’t need to sort through the entire mountain of washing.

5. Use containers to stay organised. Kids toys are so hard to keep tidy. If you have people popping over, it’s easy to do a quick clean up by using containers, baskets, bins, totes, to shove everything in! Kids are more likely to help too if you ask them to put things in a container/basket.

Final Thoughts

Mothering a baby and/or a toddler is exhausting. Sleep deprivation makes you move in slow mo, while a cyclone is happening around you. If the only thing you did today was feed your children and love them, that is enough! We are ever so critical of ourselves because someone once said that we must be “perfect mothers” – Supermums – whatever that means. I’ll let you in on a little secret: she doesn’t actually exist! I promise you that your house will not look like a bomb hit it forever. Your children will grow and you will get stuff done. Mama, squeeze those bubbas just a little more because that is way more important than vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.

If you are looking for more support around managing motherhood in the home, register now for The Messy Life workshop.

The post How to get house work done with a newborn and a toddler. appeared first on Making Mama.