Separation anxiety is not just tough for kids, it is absolutely heartbreaking for us as mums! It can leave us feeling emotionally raw, bawling our eyes out in the hallway of a child care centre or in our car after the horrendous goodbye. It can make us feel really angry – why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard? Why is it taking THIS long for my child to adjust? ARGH….. Then comes the guilt. Know what I’m talking about?

Both of my kids really struggled with separation anxiety as toddlers so I am very well versed both in some tips to help reduce it in your children, as well as all the emotions we face as mums. I’ve cried in hallways and lost it in frustration, anger and emotional exhaustion.

We know that it is a completely normal part of child development and it also indicates that your child has a strong attachment to you, but in the moment, it doesn’t really help, does it?

Suggestions

A couple of really good books to read to your child are The Invisible String and A Kissing Hand for Chester Raccoon. Both of these books had huge circulation in my home with my kids when they were struggling with separation.

One of the things I implemented with my daughter when she was in Prep (and still crying at drop off each day), was the laminated love hearts. We drew them, she coloured them in, they were laminated and then cut out. At drop off we would take two love hearts, each kiss one, then swap. She would put her love heart in the pocket of her uniform and know that I was with her throughout the day. It really helped.

Another option is giving your child something of yours. Buy a cheap beaded bracelet and ask your child to look after mummy’s special bracelet throughout the day. It helps children feel important, that they have an important job to take care of something that belongs to you. It can make them feel really special while you are apart. Another option you can use if you are leaving your child at home in the care of someone else is to give them a shirt or pyjama top of yours. They can wear it or snuggle with it in bed. Even though my kids are now tweens and teens, they still ask for my pyjama top in times when they struggle with the separation.

At the end of the day, it is a really passage of time that you will face as a mother. I completely get it. I understand from a social work/psychology perspective, as well as a mother who has been there.

If you would like extra support in dealing with separation anxiety in your child, please reach out to me. I’m happy to help and can see you for a one on one session. Contact me here.

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Dealing with toddlers lying is really tricky because it is something that naturally occurs with all children, but it can really push our buttons. Honesty is often a core value most parents have for their families, and one we try hard to teach our children. Until they are school age, it can be a real challenge. Studies show that lying is like a developmental milestone, like getting dressed by yourself, and that children at 2-3 years old can pick up the skill of lying. By the time they are 4 years old, it becomes pretty normal for most children. 

Why lying can occur

• it’s a great use of their imagination
• to cover something up so they don’t get into trouble
• to see how you’ll respond
• make a story more exciting
• experiment – for example, by pretending something that happened in a story was real
• to get attention or make themselves sound better
• to get something they want – for example, ‘Mum lets me have lollies before dinner’
• to avoid hurting someone’s feelings – this sort of lie is often called a ‘white lie’

Pretending and imagining are important to your child’s development, and it’s good to encourage this kind of play. ‘Tall tales’ don’t need to be treated as lies, especially for children under four years.

If your child is making up a story about something, you can respond by saying something like, ‘That’s a great story – we could make it into a book’. This encourages your child’s imagination without encouraging lying.

Make a family rule about lying

Whether you refer to it as a rule or not, it often helps young children learn about the expectations if it is something you weave into your daily life together. There’s a few ways you can do this:

1. Use books to help introduce the subject of telling the truth vs lying in a non-threatening way
2. Help your toddler learn about honesty from what you practice. If they observe you lying at times, they will start to see it as an acceptable way to communicate. 
3. Support your toddler in their making mistakes. Let them know they are not in ‘trouble’ for doing wrong things. Remind them that no matter what, you love them. Help them see that they can ‘own up’ to doing the wrong things because you will respond in a calm, compassionate way. Children are more likely to lie when they fear your response. 
4. If your child refuses to be honest about an incident, avoid an inquisition. Very few people will fess up to a lie when they feel pressed, and that includes kids. Instead, you can say, “I love you, and I want to understand what happened, but some parts of your story aren’t making a lot of sense to me.” Sooner or later, he’ll probably reveal the truth.
5. Let your child know that he can make amends for his dishonesty with a simple, “I’m sorry.” A lie, after all, is merely a mistake. So when he expresses genuine remorse, it’s your job to display compassion and forgiveness in return. 
6. Hypothesise about the problem with your toddler, “gee I wonder if other girls ever get so angry that they throw their toy and break it?” or “I wonder why some girls might throw their toys?” It takes the focus off your child and they will often blurt out why they did something (instead of perpetuating the lie).
7. Help your child avoid situations where they feel the need to lie. For example, if you ask your child if they spilled the milk, your child might feel tempted to lie. To avoid this situation you could just say, ‘I see there’s been an accident with the milk. Let’s clean it up’.
8. Praise your toddler for telling the truth at times when it could have been easy to lie. For example, when a toy is broken and he admits that he did it. The more often his truth telling is positively reinforced, the more likely he is to continue telling the truth.
9. Talking to your toddler at times other than in the moment of lying. You are more likely to feel calm and you can talk about how the lying makes you feel. You can talk about how it leaves you feeling confused, you don’t know exactly what happened and sometimes it can make you feel sad or angry. It’s important for kids to hear about how their behaviour makes other people feel. 
10. Always tell your child when you know that they aren’t telling the truth. It’s okay to say ‘I don’t believe you’. You can further explain this by saying ‘what you are saying doesn’t make sense to me so I don’t believe it to be the truth’. Be mindful of not using labels such as ‘liar’, but focus on the behaviour. 

In my experience of working with families, toddlers tend to lie for two main reasons – when they fear the parent’s response or the punishment, or when they are seeking connection.

If you practice attachment parenting which tends to be quite gentle, it doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries with your child. Children crave boundaries, and it is important to build your values into your parenting. What this means is that you can help support your child through their exploration of lying by providing lots of opportunities for connection. Following some of the points listed above will help build the connection through talking. 

I also acknowledge that there sometimes can be situations where toddlers lie for just no plain reason. Last weekend my 5 year old nephew and 3 year old niece both went to the toilet at my house. They returned with the 5 year old saying that his sister did not wash her hands. They had a full on argument about it, and he was near tears trying to convince us that she did not wash her hands. She was adamant that she had. In the end, their mother and I had absolutely no idea who was telling the truth and who was lying. In cases like these, sometimes gentle reminders about the importance of telling the truth is all you can do. Remember, be consistent with your messages, and your child will eventually learn. 

If you would like some one on one support with managing this, please click here.

The post 10 ways to help your toddler when they tell lies appeared first on Making Mama.

This one is SO HARD and there is no easy answer.

This scenario causes mums to do a LOT of soul searching (and more than not, financial analysis of their household income vs expenses).

Things to ponder:

1. How do you WANT to mother? What’s in your soul? Your core? How strongly do you feel about being a stay at home mum versus a working mum?
2. Have you done a financial analysis for your family? If you want to be a stay at home mum, are there expenses you can cut out so it’s affordable? Can you lower your standard of living? I did this to be a stay at home mum until the kids were at school. To go from a double income couple to a single income family, we had to make significant changes in our lifestyle.
3. Find a child care you trust. This is hard in the beginning when most carers start as strangers. But you will generally have gut feelings about people. Follow those instincts. Change the child care arrangements if you are unhappy. Your child will not suffer if there’s a few changes. YOU need to feel secure.

Show yourself kindness and compassion.

If you NEED to work for financial reasons and don’t want to, it’s going to be tough. Show yourself kindness and compassion. Surround yourself with love and support from others. Your heart will break into a million pieces, especially if your baby cries at drop off. I’ve been there.

Both of my kids cried every.single.time. (In fact, Missy Moo cried until the last day of Year 1, every single day). I can’t tell you how many times I stood in the hallway of the child care centre or made it to my car and bawled. (I was a stay at home mum but my kids went to child care as toddlers to give me a break and for socialisation).

Sometimes mums not coping with the arrangements is enough for the parents to re-evaluate their lives and make significant changes so mum doesn’t have to work.

Sometimes when baby settles well into the child care arrangement, mum realises that she CAN do both, that she does actually enjoy the little break from her baby and to do something for herself (whether it be the actual job that’s mentally or socially stimulating or just to have a coffee or lunch in peace).

But for mums who are dreading the return to work and leaving your baby, there’s not a lot anyone can say to make you feel better unfortunately. Just remember that it’s a completely normal response to feel those strong negative emotions: dread, gut wrenching sadness, overwhelm, anger. Ride them out and be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that these are NORMAL. You do not need to toughen up! You do not need to FEEL less.

Coping tips

• Write it all down. Buy a beautiful notebook (Kmart has lovely inexpensive ones) and record your responses. Record how your baby responds at separation. This is your record of a significant change in your life and sometimes getting the emotions out of your head and heart can help you feel better.

• Find likeminded mums. Have another mum give you a hug who is going through the same thing (or has been through it) can be helpful. As with most things in motherhood, feeling alone just exacerbates your feelings. You are NOT the only mum feeling like this. Your baby will NOT be the only baby that cries at separation.

• Ask the child carers to provide you with as much detail of your baby’s day as possible so you feel less out of control. CALL the centre multiple times per day to check on your baby if it makes you feel better. You won’t be calling multiple times months down the track, I promise. Because it might not ever be EASY, but it will get EASIER.

Sending a massive dose of LOVE to all the returning to work mums. I see you. I hear you. I know your anguish.

To find like minded mums and to feel less alone, click here to join the Mama Village.

The post Returning to work and not wanting to separate from your baby appeared first on Making Mama.

We all know the story. You went out to the local shopping centre to get a few jobs done. You had a list of 10 items and only three got ticked off. The baby cried because she was tired and couldn’t sleep. The toddler threw himself on the floor in a tantrum when you wanted him to hurry up with the pull along shopping basket and you tried to ‘help’. Mr Independent wanted to do it all.by.himself. Ugh. The whole thing was a disaster.

Does shopping with young children have to be this hard?

In the ideal world we would all have a village of support where you can pass your baby and toddlers to someone else’s loving arms to care for while you get stuff done.

My top 7 tips for managing shopping with young children

We all need to get stuff done, right? It might be the errands at a shopping centre, or it could be grocery shopping. Trying to do so with babies and toddlers in tow is definitely not easy. It does vary from family to family depending on the temperament of the child and how many children you are wrangling, and other factors outside our control. Here are my top tips I’ve learned along the way by experiencing the hard times:

1. Take a photo of inside your fridge before you go shopping. How many times when you are doing groceries can you just not remember if you need milk? Yep, always. There’s always something you can’t remember because you.are.just.so.tired. Solve that by taking photos of inside the fridge, freezer, pantry before you go.
2. Go shopping when your baby and toddler is not too tired. Taking tired children shopping almost always ends in disaster, unless they are brilliant at falling asleep in a baby carrier or stroller. I used to time my grocery shopping when I knew my baby was tired. This only worked because I would pop her in the baby carrier and she would sleep for the whole hour while I shopped in peace. Put her in the trolley capsule and she’d be crying the whole time!
3. Use snacks to keep your kids happy while you shop. Whether you take advantage of the ‘free fruit for kids’ in some supermarkets in Australia, or you bring your own snacks, if it means you can whiz around without too much disruption – do what works! You can also get your kids to count the pieces of fruit into the produce bags, or ask the toddler to put (aka throw!) each item into the trolley. Involving the kids in the activity can make it more bearable (and can keep them from wanting to climb out of the trolley!).
4. Use your baby carriers for your baby or toddler – put toddlers on your back – it keeps them from touching everything! You won’t find yourself saying a million times to ‘put that back’, ‘don’t touch’ etc. It also helps in this current climate of COVID-19 to keep their hands sanitised. It also gives you two free hands to wrangle the shopping!
5. Work around your partner’s schedule so you can shop alone. When my daughter was 2 years old she hated the stroller, wanted to walk everywhere and touched everything! It drove me mad because I felt like I was constantly asking her to stop and I couldn’t get things done quickly. So, I started shopping on Thursday nights when the shops were open late. I waited until my husband was home from work, we had done the dinner and bath routine, and I had breastfed my daughter to sleep. Then I had about 90 minutes to run like crazy, but it was less stressful and I got more achieved!
6. Shop online. Some mums literally don’t have anyone to ask to care for their children. You might be a single mum, have a FIFO partner, or one who just travels a lot for work, or you might just not want to leave your baby with someone else (completely understandable!). If shopping with your baby or toddler is plain hard work, then perhaps online shopping is the way to go for you. It can really take the pressure off.
7. Do your grocery shopping online. If grocery shopping is becoming a nightmare, or you.just.don’t.have.time anymore, shop online. The prices are usually a tiny bit more expensive, and yes, you may need to pay for delivery, but I swear, you’ll save money from not buying all the impulse buys! You create a standard list on the supermarket website, which you quickly tick through each time, and then grab the extras you need. It has been a lifesaver for me over the last few years as my life has become busier. I also don’t have kids begging for particular foods because they don’t get to see all the options out there – most of which are highly processed and unhealthy anyway!

So, what do you do?

Which tip resonates the most with you?

Being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences a woman can go through. We all have different stories though – some mums have had the fortune of easy breastfeeding, a settled baby who sleeps for long periods, and babies and toddlers who have calm temperaments so they can get out and about and get stuff done. Conversely, there are mums where things are tough. The unsettled baby, the one who hardly sleeps a wink, the exhausted mum who just can’t go out because the baby or toddler cries all the time. If you are this mum, you can feel like a failure because you don’t have the ‘happy child’, you are a failure because you can’t achieve just a few errands or one whole grocery shop without incident and it all equals one big fat feeling of loneliness. So to help you, I’d recommend following at least one of the above tips. It’s amazing how much better you will feel to achieve something without the screaming child.

Key takeaways from this shopping adventure

1. As always, find what works for you and your child. If your baby sleeps well in a sling/carrier, use it! If your baby doesn’t, maybe online shopping is better for you for right now. Remember, this won’t last forever!
2. Be kind to yourself. If today was a terrible time at the shopping centre, try again another day. You are not a failure, that’s just your critical self talking. You are a good mother whose child just didn’t cope with the circumstances today.
3. The best way to manage the rollercoaster of motherhood is to actually go with the flow. If you get upset and think it’s all too hard because your toddler laid on the floor of the supermarket screaming because you said no to the lollies, it will feel intolerable. Take every win you get. Look for the good.

Final Thoughts

There’s a story about a mum who was overheard in the supermarket saying to her toddler who wanted a toy, “not today, but it’s okay, there’s only 2 more aisles to go”. They went down the next aisle and the toddler threw himself on the floor because he wanted the chips and his mum said no. The mum said, “I know this feels hard, you are tired, but we are nearly finished and then we’ll go home”. As the mum was going through the checkout and the toddler was still crying and wanting the lollipop on display, she said, “you’ve done so well, it’s time to go home and rest now and then do something fun!” The observer approached the mum and complimented her on how well she had spoken to her toddler in a difficult time. The mum turned and said, “oh, I wasn’t talking to him, I was talking to myself!”

If you are looking for more help with mum hacks, check out the workshop called The Messy Life.

The post 7 Tips to Surviving Shopping with Babies and Toddlers appeared first on Making Mama.

“I came home from hospital with C-Man on day five, and ended up with bleeding nipples the very next afternoon. I fell apart emotionally when C-Man had blood running out of his mouth. By coincidence, the midwife called right at that time so she had me crying on the phone. She was so nice and suggested I stop breastfeeding for at least 24 hours to give the nipples a break so I expressed for about 36 hours until the midwife came to visit a few days later. It was a really emotional time, I think I cried from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning.”

Breastfeeding Challenges

I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do.

The things that made it hard

When I read back through my notes from the early days of breastfeeding, a few big things stand out – my desire to breastfeeding because I believed it was the normal and natural way to feed a baby, my misconception that breastfeeding would be easy, the conflicting advice I received, and the pain and subsequent emotional upheaval I went through. Let’s have a look at my notes…

1. “Because I didn’t get to have a vaginal delivery breastfeeding is the only natural thing I get to do with him and it’s really important to me. I will be COMPLETELY devastated if I can’t breastfeed.  As well as the benefits for the baby, it’s just such a natural thing I want to do from my core – especially because I didn’t have a vaginal delivery – I will be absolutely gutted if I can’t – and because I’m so stubborn, I will keep persevering through this pain and hopefully it might get better!”

2. “I never knew that breastfeeding was so challenging! I’ve seen so many other women feed and it seems so easy. If I didn’t realise there was professional help I probably would have given up too because of the pain, and then I would have been an emotional wreck for a long time about it.”

3. “Last week I was told by Child Health I had nipple thrush. Yesterday morning the GP said I had nipple vasospasm. Then the lactation consultant said she didn’t believe I had either. The differing opinions has just completely done my head in! She agreed I have some new damage (blisters – oh how lovely!), but couldn’t figure out why because the latching on was fine. I just wanted a quick fix – some medication or something to take the pain away because I am so over it! But no – I have to persevere and maybe it will stop at some point.”

4. “I’m still torturing the poor child because sometimes it takes 4 or 5 attachments to get it right so he doesn’t like having to come off all the time when he’s hungry! It’s really starting to hurt a lot again (different hurt to the cracked nipples though), so I’m not sure what’s happening. When C-Man’s latched on he really pulls his head back hard so it feels like my nipple is going to be ripped off and I don’t know how to stop him. I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do. It’s so painful – at my worst, C-Man will be screaming and I’ll be bawling and just cuddling him because I can’t bear to have him go on! There must be light at the end of the tunnel – maybe if I wasn’t so tired I might see it!! I think the really long feeds were really draining me – physically and maybe emotionally. I just wanted them to end. The pain was awful, and went through to my back – straight through the breast into the back – and it was so tiring. I have absolutely NO pain in my right breast – and it’s actually enjoyable (never thought it would get to that point!) but the left is painful – sometimes pretty bad – during attachment and then eases and is very comfortable. Now that the feeds are shorter and pain free, I’ve really felt more bonded to him in the last couple of days – and just can’t stop cuddling him afterwards, whereas before all I wanted to do was put him down because I was so tired from feeding.”

5. “I sat there feeding last night with tears running down my face and I don’t want this to be a negative experience for me, or C-Man, because I’m sure he senses the negative vibes. I think I know what I’m doing wrong (moving his head towards the breast), but I panic when he’s in a frenzy and won’t latch on and is waving his arms around and shoving his fists in his mouth and I can’t hold his body, my breast, and his 2 arms all at the same time, and he’s screaming his head off. I need to learn how to manage that. For most feeds today C-Man goes about 10 minutes then fights the breast, crying and wrapping his tongue around the tip of my nipple and not latching on.  It ended up with me in tears tonight because I thought he was hungry and I couldn’t feed him.” 

So, where did this leave me?

The two most common breastfeeding problems that mums hear about is not enough milk and mastitis. I didn’t have either. But I did have a whole bunch of other problems that are not commonly discussed amongst mums. Initiating breastfeeding with my first baby was one of my biggest challenges. It turns out I had cracked and bleeding nipples, nipple thrush, nipple vasospasm, a fast flow causing attachment issues, and an oversupply of breastmilk which caused lactose overload in my baby. Phew. That’s a lot! 

In many cases, this would mean early cessation of breastfeeding, but I weaned my baby when he was 15 months old. So other than my stubbornness and perseverance, which all come down to my personality, what else got me over the line? Support, support, support! I now know that support and correct information is what helps mums successfully breastfeed for as long as they and their baby wish. For me it was support from my husband, my mum, my sister and a couple of friends. I also had support from health professionals, albeit confusing and conflicting, it helped me navigate my way through. 

Key takeaways from my breastfeeding experience

1. If it hurts, there is something not right with the attachment.
2. Find support from those around you. If you don’t have anyone in your direct life, seek support from breastfeeding experts or find other breastfeeding mothers. 
3. Seek as much information as you can from reputable sources. Attend an antenatal breastfeeding class and join the local breastfeeding support group in your area.

Final Thoughts

I believe that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed human babies, but it is a learned skill. The covering up of babies whilst they are breastfeeding, combined with the declining rates of breastfeeding in the last number of decades has meant that our first time mums sometimes don’t have exposure to breastfeeding, or the village of support that once existed. We don’t have our elders teaching us how to do it. Therefore we must rely on breastfeeding experts, International Board Certified Lactation Consultants, workshops on breastfeeding issues, or leading authorities in breastfeeding like the Australian Breastfeeding Association to provide us with the correct information and support. Finding a breastfeeding support group can be crucial for some mums, and something I wish I had found when I was going through all my difficulties with C-Man. It would have certainly helped to realise I was not alone and that it would get better. It doesn’t necessarily take the physical pain away, but it eases the emotional pain. We all need that kind of support. 

The post When Breastfeeding Isn’t Easy appeared first on Making Mama.

Are you a stay at home mum? Who stays at home? Who has all day to get stuff done, yet suddenly it is almost dinner time, your partner is about to walk through the door and the place is a tip? The guilt sets in. What did you actually do all day? No housework got done, the washing you put in the machine is still sitting in there wet, the dirty dishes are piling up, and you can’t remember if you had a shower. Hmm… if this sounds like you, you are not alone!

How will you ever get housework done?

Yes, I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? The kids are still alive!

My Top 5 Housework Tips

1. Baby wipes are your best friend! You can use them to wipe furniture, benches, bathroom sinks, walls. They can wipe anything off your baby’s hands and face, or your own. Keep them everywhere – in the house, the car, the nappy bag, the bottom of the pram! If you don’t like the idea of using copious amounts of baby wipes for environmental or financial reasons, buy some cheap face washers. Use them after your baby has eaten family foods and it’s everywhere and then throw them in the wash. Use them to wipe down the bathroom sink! 

2. Clean as you go. While you are brushing your teeth, wipe the sink with a cloth. Having a shower? Scrub the walls. We don’t have time for proper cleaning when we have babies and toddlers so just get the bare basics done when you can. Wipe the fridge out while you wait for vegies to cook. 

3. Run the dishwasher even if it isn’t full. I didn’t learn this tip until my kids were much older but I love it! It means that you regularly have clean dishes, even if you use the eco cycle to use less water.

4. Become a laundry master. For every person in your house, have a separate laundry basket. You most likely throw it all into one basket in a mess and it might get dumped on the couch, your kitchen table, or the floor because you need to use the basket again for the next load. Go and buy a few cheap baskets. Every time you take the washing off the line or out of the dryer, place each item into each person’s basket. That way if you are hectic and need clean undies for yourself, you know to go straight to your own basket and they will be there. You don’t need to sort through the entire mountain of washing.

5. Use containers to stay organised. Kids toys are so hard to keep tidy. If you have people popping over, it’s easy to do a quick clean up by using containers, baskets, bins, totes, to shove everything in! Kids are more likely to help too if you ask them to put things in a container/basket.

Final Thoughts

Mothering a baby and/or a toddler is exhausting. Sleep deprivation makes you move in slow mo, while a cyclone is happening around you. If the only thing you did today was feed your children and love them, that is enough! We are ever so critical of ourselves because someone once said that we must be “perfect mothers” – Supermums – whatever that means. I’ll let you in on a little secret: she doesn’t actually exist! I promise you that your house will not look like a bomb hit it forever. Your children will grow and you will get stuff done. Mama, squeeze those bubbas just a little more because that is way more important than vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.

If you are looking for more support around managing motherhood in the home, register now for The Messy Life workshop.

The post How to get house work done with a newborn and a toddler. appeared first on Making Mama.