Separation anxiety is not just tough for kids, it is absolutely heartbreaking for us as mums! It can leave us feeling emotionally raw, bawling our eyes out in the hallway of a child care centre or in our car after the horrendous goodbye. It can make us feel really angry – why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard? Why is it taking THIS long for my child to adjust? ARGH….. Then comes the guilt. Know what I’m talking about?

Both of my kids really struggled with separation anxiety as toddlers so I am very well versed both in some tips to help reduce it in your children, as well as all the emotions we face as mums. I’ve cried in hallways and lost it in frustration, anger and emotional exhaustion.

We know that it is a completely normal part of child development and it also indicates that your child has a strong attachment to you, but in the moment, it doesn’t really help, does it?

Suggestions

A couple of really good books to read to your child are The Invisible String and A Kissing Hand for Chester Raccoon. Both of these books had huge circulation in my home with my kids when they were struggling with separation.

One of the things I implemented with my daughter when she was in Prep (and still crying at drop off each day), was the laminated love hearts. We drew them, she coloured them in, they were laminated and then cut out. At drop off we would take two love hearts, each kiss one, then swap. She would put her love heart in the pocket of her uniform and know that I was with her throughout the day. It really helped.

Another option is giving your child something of yours. Buy a cheap beaded bracelet and ask your child to look after mummy’s special bracelet throughout the day. It helps children feel important, that they have an important job to take care of something that belongs to you. It can make them feel really special while you are apart. Another option you can use if you are leaving your child at home in the care of someone else is to give them a shirt or pyjama top of yours. They can wear it or snuggle with it in bed. Even though my kids are now tweens and teens, they still ask for my pyjama top in times when they struggle with the separation.

At the end of the day, it is a really passage of time that you will face as a mother. I completely get it. I understand from a social work/psychology perspective, as well as a mother who has been there.

If you would like extra support in dealing with separation anxiety in your child, please reach out to me. I’m happy to help and can see you for a one on one session. Contact me here.

The post Dealing with separation anxiety in children appeared first on Making Mama.

So let’s have a look at a summary of the four differing styles.

Authoritarian Parenting

The first is authoritarian parenting, which is the harsh, punishment based type of parenting. In this style the parent believes that “children should be seen and not heard”, that “it’s my way or the highway”. They tend to use a strict discipline style where punishment is common, there is little negotiation or communication with children. The parent has really strict rules and often doesn’t explain these rules to children, but states “because I said so”, which can leave children confused and without an understanding of WHY the rules are the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents don’t get to express their feelings, and parents tend to be less nurturing. Children are not able to share their thoughts and are not able to be involved in problem-solving, they must simply obey the parent.

The evidence tells us that children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren’t valued. They might also become aggressive in their behaviour which is often because they focus a lot of anger towards their parent. A really common outcome for children is that they tend to lie a lot in an effort to avoid punishment.

Permissive Parenting

Next we see permissive parenting, which is on the other end of the spectrum, because these parents mostly let their children do what they want, and they offer limited guidance or direction.

Permissive parents rarely enforce any rules that are set and they don’t give consequences – they are very lenient. They believe that children learn best when they don’t get involved. Communication is open but parents don’t help their child by giving any direction. Parents are quite forgiving and believe “kids will be kids” when the child makes mistakes.

Permissive parents tend to be loving, warm and nurturing, but often take on more a friend role than a parent role in guiding and directing a child.

Children who grow up with permissive parents are also likely to have self-esteem issues, and report a lot of sadness. We know that children crave structure and boundaries, and the lack of these can impact on their mood, as well as leading to behavioural problems, especially when they might not respect authority and rules.

What’s really interesting about this parenting style and the outcomes for children is that there’s a lot of evidence that suggests that children of permissive parents are at a higher risk for health problems like obesity and dental cavities, because permissive parents struggle to limit junk food and don’t enforce teeth brushing. This is the only parenting style that seems to have an impact on children’s physical health.

Uninvolved Parenting

The uninvolved parent is a little different from the permissive parent because although there’s also no structure and boundaries, it often can feel like the parent doesn’t care.

Uninvolved parents give children a lot of freedom, and rarely know where their child is. They don’t spend much time with their child, or ask about school or homework. They don’t set boundaries, give guidance or attention and are often not very nurturing. These parents may border on neglectful, or may become neglectful in meeting children’s basic needs.

Uninvolved parenting may occur as a result of substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs, mental health issues (for example, a depressed parent), or parents who are workaholics or overwhelmed with parenting, or managing a household.

Like authoritarian and permissive parenting, uninvolved parenting can result in children with low self-esteem and unhappiness. These children often perform poorly in school and have frequent behaviour problems.

As you have seen, the first three parenting styles are less than ideal. This brings us to the fourth style, which is the optimal style of parenting as the research shows it is the most beneficial for children.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents are nurturing and set high, clear expectations for their children. Boundaries and rules are enforced but the child’s thoughts and feelings are always considered.

Authoritative parents are really good at creating and maintaining a positive relationship with their child, and have open communication to talk things through. When boundaries are held, parents explain the rationale so that the child understands. These parents are loving and nurturing.

Outcomes for children with authoritative parents are positive. Children are most likely to become responsible adults who feel comfortable expressing their emotions, are happy and successful. These children are really good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own.

If you’d like to learn more about the 4 styles of parenting, please have a look at these links:

Dr Justin Coulson’s Happy Families

Diana Baumrind’s Parenting Styles

Medical review of why parenting styles matter

You might recognise your parents in some of these parenting styles. Sometimes a parent may sit completely in one style and at other times they might move between a couple of them. Take note of yours, because it is likely that the style of your parents may move into the way that you parent your own children.

Dr Justin Coulson outlines in his article which I’ve attached above that there is only one way to parent… 

”studies suggest pretty clearly that there is a right way to parent. It’s authoritatively – with a big emphasis on autonomy support rather than control. By letting go of power and by developing our children’s ability to make good decisions for themselves, we make better kids, and happier families.”

Dr Justin Coulson

Dr Coulson is a host of Parental Guidance 2021, starting on Channel 9 on Monday. It will be interesting to see how he covers these parenting styles as I’ve outlined them above.

Gentle Parenting

This leads us to gentle parenting which is an evidenced-based approach to raising happy, confident children.

This parenting style is composed of four main elements:

• empathy
• respect
• understanding
• boundaries

Gentle parenting reflects on the principles of authoritative parenting in that it focuses on providing consistent boundaries while also being very compassionate. It focuses on teaching valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishments.

Research suggests that gentle parenting reduces the risk of your child developing anxiety, and it rarely has a negative impact on children’s mental health in general, unlike authoritarian, permissive or uninvolved parenting.

There can often be confusion in our society where it is thought that gentle parenting is similar to permissive parenting. It is not the case that as a gentle parent we ‘let children walk all over us’ because we don’t discipline our children. Remember, discipline means ‘to teach’, and our focus with gentle parenting is to teach our children with compassion, rather than punish them.

Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting is another evidenced-based approach to parenting that complements the gentle parenting approach and the authoritative parenting style.

Attachment parenting focuses on the connection parents can develop with their children in order to raise secure, independent and empathetic children. It is believed that a secure, trusting attachment to parents during childhood forms the basis for secure relationships and independence as adults.

Dr William Sears is a well known paediatrician in the United States who developed Attachment Parenting International, which is a worldwide educational association for this style of parenting. In his work, Dr Sears established 8 principles of attachment parenting which are:

1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting
2. Feed with love and respect
3. Respond with sensitivity: dysregulation in children is normal as babies and toddlers don’t have the capacity to understand their emotions – and that ALL emotional outbursts are an effort at communication. These efforts should not be dismissed nor punished.
4. Use nurturing touch: maximise skin-to-skin touching for babies, and even toddlers for bonding and calming dysregulated children. Babywear as much as possible.
5. Engage in nighttime parenting: where possible, utilise safe co-sleeping arrangements and respond to baby’s cries as quickly as possible.
6. Provide constant, loving care
7. Practice positive discipline: follow the principles of authoritative parenting or gentle parenting.
8. Strive for balance in personal and family life: parents are encouraged to create a supportive village to prevent parenting burn-out.

If you’d like to read more on attachment parenting, please see here. If you’d like to learn how to address the way your parents raised you and how you would like to put authoritative, gentle and attachment parenting into practice, you might like to consider attending a Circle of Security Parenting program, or seeing me individually for extra support.

Finding your feet in your parenting style can take time. It’s often after the first year of our child’s life that we finally come up for air, right about the time when our child can become dysregulated with their emotions and we start to see the more challenging behaviours. It can be a tough time trying to be the parent we want to be, pushing away all the instinctual parenting strategies we have learned from our parents that we don’t like, while at the same time coping with those daily challenges of our little ones.

Remember, no matter what, you don’t have to do parenting alone.

The post Parenting Styles appeared first on Making Mama.

The organisation PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia) tells us that at least one in five women experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy and/or following birth. One in ten fathers experience depression and anxiety following the birth of a baby.

I found it significant that nearly every single mum in the Mama Village mothers groups this week shared experiences of postnatal depression and anxiety to varying degrees. Whilst I certainly expected to hear stories from mums given the rates in our community, I was surprised at the level of impact depression and anxiety is having on us all.

Whilst there may not be adequate research in the causes of the rise, I truly believe that the loss of our physical villages has had a big impact on the experiences of mothers and fathers. The fact so many of us live away from our family and friends, that we have limited support, and often feel lonely and isolated certainly doesn’t help our mental health.

There’s also a number of other things that can increase the risk including:

• a history of depression or anxiety
• a family history of depression or anxiety
• a history of loss (fertility treatment, miscarriage, stillbirth)
• a difficult pregnancy
• a traumatic birth
• separation from baby following birth (baby in NICU, special care)
• illness for mum or baby at time of birth
• post birth injuries/wounds/pain
• breastfeeding difficulties and grief and loss
• life events – family deaths, moving house, financial strain etc

Signs and symptoms

• panic attacks (racing heart, palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking)
• persistent, generalised worry, often focused on fears for the health, wellbeing or safety of baby
• obsessive or compulsive thoughts and/or behaviours
• intrusive or disturbing thoughts
• mood swings
• feeling constantly sad, low, or crying for no obvious reason
• feeling nervous, ‘on edge’ or panicky
• feeling tired or lacking energy
• having little or no interest in the things that normally bring you joy
• sleeping too much or not sleeping well
• withdrawing from friends and family
• being easily annoyed or irritated
• feeling angry
• finding it difficult to focus (brain fog)
• thoughts of harming your baby or yourself

What can we do about it?

If you identify with a number of the symptoms above that have occurred in the past 7 days, or know someone who is struggling, please follow these suggestions:

1. See a GP for assessment.
2. Start counselling.
3. Discuss whether antidepressant medication is suitable for you with your GP.
4. Exercise – the release of endorphins has been proven to assist in mood – it’s not just good for your body, but your mind.
5. Eat well – nourishing your body with good nutrition will help it function at its optimal level. Avoid the blood sugar swings when eating sugary foods and carbs.
6. Sleep or rest as much as you can – sleep deprivation can really have a negative effect on our mental health (I probably didn’t need to tell you this!).
7. Build your village of support – ask for help! If you don’t have anyone to volunteer to help (family or friends), consider paying for help – hire a postnatal doula, hire a cleaner, buy in some meals to be delivered to your home, get your groceries delivered. Take steps to lessen your load, even if it’s a short term solution.
8. Find emotional support – it might be through counselling, through the Mama Village mothers groups, or another service. There are plenty of services available for you to connect with other mums. If you need suggestions, please ask me and I will point you in the right direction!
9. Reach out to other mums to normalise your experiences. Given the rates of depression and anxiety you most likely won’t need to go far to find someone else struggling too.
10. Understand that your mental health is just as important as your physical health. You will be a better person, a better mother, if you take care of your mental health.

I regularly see mums in counselling for postnatal depression and anxiety. If you feel like you need support in this area, please let me know to make an appointment. Otherwise, if you would prefer to see someone else, and don’t know where to look, let me know that too and I’ll happily refer you elsewhere.

Please don’t struggle alone. Support is out there. It CAN get better and it will get better with the right treatment and support in place for you. Click here for further support.

The post Postnatal depression, anxiety and rage appeared first on Making Mama.

Services provided to mothers during pregnancy are often all focused on the pregnancy and the birth. Fair enough. Both are absolutely important. But what about when baby comes home? What about the birth debriefing that most mums don’t get? What about the village of support that doesn’t really exist for most mums anymore? Where does she find that? How does she build it? There’s often no physical support but more times than not, there’s also no emotional support either. How does she know that her newborn baby’s behaviours are normal? How does she know that it’s okay to cry because of sleep deprivation or not knowing what she’s doing, or missing her mum who lives interstate or overseas?

I asked the mums in the Mama Village mothers group this week about this. They pretty much all agreed that this was their experience – a lot of focus on childbirth during pregnancy and none on what happens when the baby comes home. Here’s what they had to say:

• “I didn’t have connection with other mums”
• “I needed meals provided so I could be fed and nourished”
• “Covid restrictions made me feel really isolated”
• “I struggled with sleep deprivation and I didn’t know about baby development”
• “I needed help with chores like housework and cooking”
• “I needed support so I could sleep; I needed someone I trusted to look after the baby”
• ‘I just needed an extra set of hands”
• “I didn’t know if what my baby was doing was normal; is he sleeping okay? Is he breathing okay?”
• “I felt like it was my responsibility to care for the baby (and not wanting others to do so)”
• “I struggled with the lack of routine and predictability when this was how my life was before baby”
• “I didn’t have the ‘right’ support – when a family stays to ‘help’ and it causes additional stress due to conflict and judgement”

We know that mums often feel incredibly emotionally vulnerable after giving birth. Even if the birth went really well for the mum (and baby), all of the raging hormones postpartum make for an emotional cocktail. Add to that the sleep deprivation that comes with newborns and hello… Can we say tears and tears? Sound familiar? I remember those days well, even 13 years down the track. 

“Motherhood intensifies everything. It makes the good moments better and can make the challenges far, far harder. It has rocked me to my core in a way that nothing else has. It has asked more of me than anything and has also given me a great chance to grow.”

A number of studies have found that when mums feel unprepared or are struggling to cope with all the changes to their physical health after they’ve had a baby, they are more likely to feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or depressed.

We need to do more to support mums. 

We have lost our physical villages that existed for mums many generations ago. Modern society isolates nuclear families. We don’t want to impose on families. We want to give them space. We leave them alone. And that’s how they end up feeling. Alone. 

Harvey Karp is an American paediatrician who has authored many books on babies and parenting. He says “it used to be that young women would be with other young women, helping take care of their babies, and there was this automatic transfer of knowledge.” We’ve certainly lost that. 

Asking for help 

How does the thought of asking for help make you feel? You might feel guilty for putting someone out, you might not want to burden others, you might feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness, that you would look incompetent, like not a good enough mother. You might be afraid the person will say no. 

It’s really hard to ask for help. I know this! I truly believe it comes with practice. We often don’t need any help before we have our first baby. It can be such a pride thing in not wanting to ask for help. But what could be the worst thing that could happen if you ask for help? They might say no. They might judge you and think that you can’t cope. You know what? Support with judgement is not support. It’s just judgement. People who judge you don’t belong in your village. It can absolutely be hurtful. It can be disappointing. But we need to emotionally care for ourselves by including supportive people and moving unsupportive judgemental people a bit further away, or completely away from our lives if you can. 

People usually offer to help because they want to. I have learned that it’s easier to say yes to offers of help if people are specific. Saying to me ‘let me know if I can do anything to help’ is probably really genuine, but if I have a hard time asking, I probably never will. Someone who says ‘I will drop a meal off to you’ or ‘would you like a meal?’ is more likely to hear an ‘okay’ from me. It’s a great tip to remember when you are the one offering help! The other thing I’ve done is don’t give the person a chance to say no. Take a meal to a mum and pretend you are busy and can’t stay – “I really can’t stay but just wanted to drop this meal to help out”. You don’t overstay your welcome and she will be ever so grateful. And you know what? She’ll probably repay the favour when you need some extra help. You might not have a young baby anymore, but you might have another, or you might be sick as a dog one day and can’t get out of bed to cook dinner. It goes around in circles. 

We need to be vulnerable and sometimes a little brave. Brene Brown says that vulnerability leads to connection and that asking for help gives the opportunity to form deeper connections with people. Isn’t that what forming this village is all about?

We need to normalise honest motherhood and keep being real. The more we keep the facade that all is okay, the less permission we give to other mothers to be honest.

So now it’s time to build our own village. But how? Here’s some tips!

I don’t want you to think of villages as just a handful of people who give you practical hands-on support in your home. Let’s think big! 

I’ve broken it down into a few categories or parts. 

1. Your phone village 

• Who could you call? Think of 3 people you would call that you could be real, honest, and vulnerable with – they don’t have to be in your physical village. 
• Also include professional resources – Panda, Parentline, a child health nurse, ABA, GP

2. Online village 

• Facebook groups like the closed group for the Mama Village, the public group for Making Mama, or other community mothers groups
• Create a Messenger group or WhatsApp group with friends
• Listen to podcasts on mothering or parenting
• Do online shopping for groceries or other things
• Set up automation of your bills – stop paying late fees!

3. Community

• Join a book night
• Join a craft night
• Start a walking group, go to mums and bubs yoga or an exercise class to make  friends
• Join a mama bake (get together and cook)
• Go to kids activities (library rhyme time, music classes, swimming lessons)
• Help each other out at home (washing dishes together, washing and folding laundry – rather than hosting their visit)
• Hold pot luck dinners where everyone brings a plate to share
• Have babysitting swaps
• Mums groups

4. Connect with old friends

• Organise a girls night out
• Coffee dates
• Lunch dates
• Mums and bubs movies
• Takeaway dinners/pot luck dinners

5. Pay for your village

• Get a cleaner
• Hire a babysitter (which also builds your kids village by having other adults in their lives)
• Hire a postpartum doula
• Attend a mums group to find the friendships and connections
• Go to counselling – which helps maintain your emotional wellbeing where your counsellor is part of your village of support

6. Think local

• Cafes where you get your regular coffee and the barista knows your order
• Parks where you can make new friends (be brave and invite someone for coffee)
• Child care
• Schools – help out in the classroom, join the tuckshop, go to the park plays and social events for parents
• Neighbours – host a street party, ask them for a coffee, bake something and visit

7. Give and take

• Offer meals
• Babysit another child
• Clothes swaps
• Mama bake – all cook/bake together

There’s a lot we can do. My village has changed throughout my journey of being a mum. It started with 2-3 other mums from my hospital antenatal class who were my ultimate support in the first year. Then I joined the Australian Breastfeeding Association and the mums there were my tribe for the next 10 years. During this time my kids started school and I made mum friends there too from my kids’ classes or from the tuckshop mums I met with each time I volunteered. In the mix I also had my sister and mum for great support as well. Think big, and form your village of support – motherhood is not a journey we are meant to do alone. We are meant to do it with other people. It will make a difference. 

If you don’t have a village, if you are struggling with any part of mothering, please reach out to me. I’m happy to chat about the services I offer to see which is the best fit for you. You don’t have to do mothering alone. 

Join the Mama Village now: https://makingmamavillage.com.au/mama-village-babies-term-3-2021/

Contact me for counselling to help support you in your adjustment to motherhood: https://makingmamavillage.com.au/individual-counselling

The post Preparing for baby and forming your village of support appeared first on Making Mama.

Dealing with toddlers lying is really tricky because it is something that naturally occurs with all children, but it can really push our buttons. Honesty is often a core value most parents have for their families, and one we try hard to teach our children. Until they are school age, it can be a real challenge. Studies show that lying is like a developmental milestone, like getting dressed by yourself, and that children at 2-3 years old can pick up the skill of lying. By the time they are 4 years old, it becomes pretty normal for most children. 

Why lying can occur

• it’s a great use of their imagination
• to cover something up so they don’t get into trouble
• to see how you’ll respond
• make a story more exciting
• experiment – for example, by pretending something that happened in a story was real
• to get attention or make themselves sound better
• to get something they want – for example, ‘Mum lets me have lollies before dinner’
• to avoid hurting someone’s feelings – this sort of lie is often called a ‘white lie’

Pretending and imagining are important to your child’s development, and it’s good to encourage this kind of play. ‘Tall tales’ don’t need to be treated as lies, especially for children under four years.

If your child is making up a story about something, you can respond by saying something like, ‘That’s a great story – we could make it into a book’. This encourages your child’s imagination without encouraging lying.

Make a family rule about lying

Whether you refer to it as a rule or not, it often helps young children learn about the expectations if it is something you weave into your daily life together. There’s a few ways you can do this:

1. Use books to help introduce the subject of telling the truth vs lying in a non-threatening way
2. Help your toddler learn about honesty from what you practice. If they observe you lying at times, they will start to see it as an acceptable way to communicate. 
3. Support your toddler in their making mistakes. Let them know they are not in ‘trouble’ for doing wrong things. Remind them that no matter what, you love them. Help them see that they can ‘own up’ to doing the wrong things because you will respond in a calm, compassionate way. Children are more likely to lie when they fear your response. 
4. If your child refuses to be honest about an incident, avoid an inquisition. Very few people will fess up to a lie when they feel pressed, and that includes kids. Instead, you can say, “I love you, and I want to understand what happened, but some parts of your story aren’t making a lot of sense to me.” Sooner or later, he’ll probably reveal the truth.
5. Let your child know that he can make amends for his dishonesty with a simple, “I’m sorry.” A lie, after all, is merely a mistake. So when he expresses genuine remorse, it’s your job to display compassion and forgiveness in return. 
6. Hypothesise about the problem with your toddler, “gee I wonder if other girls ever get so angry that they throw their toy and break it?” or “I wonder why some girls might throw their toys?” It takes the focus off your child and they will often blurt out why they did something (instead of perpetuating the lie).
7. Help your child avoid situations where they feel the need to lie. For example, if you ask your child if they spilled the milk, your child might feel tempted to lie. To avoid this situation you could just say, ‘I see there’s been an accident with the milk. Let’s clean it up’.
8. Praise your toddler for telling the truth at times when it could have been easy to lie. For example, when a toy is broken and he admits that he did it. The more often his truth telling is positively reinforced, the more likely he is to continue telling the truth.
9. Talking to your toddler at times other than in the moment of lying. You are more likely to feel calm and you can talk about how the lying makes you feel. You can talk about how it leaves you feeling confused, you don’t know exactly what happened and sometimes it can make you feel sad or angry. It’s important for kids to hear about how their behaviour makes other people feel. 
10. Always tell your child when you know that they aren’t telling the truth. It’s okay to say ‘I don’t believe you’. You can further explain this by saying ‘what you are saying doesn’t make sense to me so I don’t believe it to be the truth’. Be mindful of not using labels such as ‘liar’, but focus on the behaviour. 

In my experience of working with families, toddlers tend to lie for two main reasons – when they fear the parent’s response or the punishment, or when they are seeking connection.

If you practice attachment parenting which tends to be quite gentle, it doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries with your child. Children crave boundaries, and it is important to build your values into your parenting. What this means is that you can help support your child through their exploration of lying by providing lots of opportunities for connection. Following some of the points listed above will help build the connection through talking. 

I also acknowledge that there sometimes can be situations where toddlers lie for just no plain reason. Last weekend my 5 year old nephew and 3 year old niece both went to the toilet at my house. They returned with the 5 year old saying that his sister did not wash her hands. They had a full on argument about it, and he was near tears trying to convince us that she did not wash her hands. She was adamant that she had. In the end, their mother and I had absolutely no idea who was telling the truth and who was lying. In cases like these, sometimes gentle reminders about the importance of telling the truth is all you can do. Remember, be consistent with your messages, and your child will eventually learn. 

If you would like some one on one support with managing this, please click here.

The post 10 ways to help your toddler when they tell lies appeared first on Making Mama.

This one is SO HARD and there is no easy answer.

This scenario causes mums to do a LOT of soul searching (and more than not, financial analysis of their household income vs expenses).

Things to ponder:

1. How do you WANT to mother? What’s in your soul? Your core? How strongly do you feel about being a stay at home mum versus a working mum?
2. Have you done a financial analysis for your family? If you want to be a stay at home mum, are there expenses you can cut out so it’s affordable? Can you lower your standard of living? I did this to be a stay at home mum until the kids were at school. To go from a double income couple to a single income family, we had to make significant changes in our lifestyle.
3. Find a child care you trust. This is hard in the beginning when most carers start as strangers. But you will generally have gut feelings about people. Follow those instincts. Change the child care arrangements if you are unhappy. Your child will not suffer if there’s a few changes. YOU need to feel secure.

Show yourself kindness and compassion.

If you NEED to work for financial reasons and don’t want to, it’s going to be tough. Show yourself kindness and compassion. Surround yourself with love and support from others. Your heart will break into a million pieces, especially if your baby cries at drop off. I’ve been there.

Both of my kids cried every.single.time. (In fact, Missy Moo cried until the last day of Year 1, every single day). I can’t tell you how many times I stood in the hallway of the child care centre or made it to my car and bawled. (I was a stay at home mum but my kids went to child care as toddlers to give me a break and for socialisation).

Sometimes mums not coping with the arrangements is enough for the parents to re-evaluate their lives and make significant changes so mum doesn’t have to work.

Sometimes when baby settles well into the child care arrangement, mum realises that she CAN do both, that she does actually enjoy the little break from her baby and to do something for herself (whether it be the actual job that’s mentally or socially stimulating or just to have a coffee or lunch in peace).

But for mums who are dreading the return to work and leaving your baby, there’s not a lot anyone can say to make you feel better unfortunately. Just remember that it’s a completely normal response to feel those strong negative emotions: dread, gut wrenching sadness, overwhelm, anger. Ride them out and be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that these are NORMAL. You do not need to toughen up! You do not need to FEEL less.

Coping tips

• Write it all down. Buy a beautiful notebook (Kmart has lovely inexpensive ones) and record your responses. Record how your baby responds at separation. This is your record of a significant change in your life and sometimes getting the emotions out of your head and heart can help you feel better.

• Find likeminded mums. Have another mum give you a hug who is going through the same thing (or has been through it) can be helpful. As with most things in motherhood, feeling alone just exacerbates your feelings. You are NOT the only mum feeling like this. Your baby will NOT be the only baby that cries at separation.

• Ask the child carers to provide you with as much detail of your baby’s day as possible so you feel less out of control. CALL the centre multiple times per day to check on your baby if it makes you feel better. You won’t be calling multiple times months down the track, I promise. Because it might not ever be EASY, but it will get EASIER.

Sending a massive dose of LOVE to all the returning to work mums. I see you. I hear you. I know your anguish.

To find like minded mums and to feel less alone, click here to join the Mama Village.

The post Returning to work and not wanting to separate from your baby appeared first on Making Mama.

Experts know that the rates of postnatal depression and anxiety are on the rise. Is it because life after the birth of a baby is changing and making it more stressful? Is it because we are more aware of the symptoms and therefore mums are seeking treatment more often? I have a sneaking suspicion that the isolation many mums feel is a huge contributing factor.

Common feelings for mums

• The loneliness and helplessness in the middle of the night when your baby won’t stop crying no matter what settling techniques you try to use.
• You thought breastfeeding was ‘natural’ and would just happen, and when your baby won’t latch you feel like a failure and the only mum experiencing this. Because everyone else seems to breastfeed fine, right?
• Your baby won’t sleep anywhere unless you are holding him or her. You worry your baby is broken, there’s something wrong, you obviously haven’t learned the right way to ‘get your baby to sleep by him/herself’.
• You feel like you are always struggling. You feel really emotional, and cry easily. The sleep deprivation, the constant ‘go go go’ of mothering – breastfeeding/bottle feeding, changing nappies, getting your baby to sleep – never ends. You get NOTHING done around the house. It’s a pigsty and you haven’t eaten a hot meal in one go or had a hot tea or coffee entirely since before your baby was born.

You are not alone. I cannot tell you how many mums feel some or all of the above. Times have changed. Mums didn’t necessarily feel all of this many many decades ago. You know why?

We’ve lost our village.

Imagine back in the days when we all used to live very close by to our extended families. We had our mothers, grandmothers, aunties all nearby to provide practical and emotional support. We all parented one another’s kids. You didn’t have to face much alone because someone was always available within arm’s reach.

As travel increased over the past 70 or so years, families have dispersed around the world. The consequence of this is that new mums often feel really isolated. Many don’t have any family living nearby, nor friends with babies to form their mothers’ village.

In my years of working with mums, about 90% say they are looking for a mothers’ group because they feel lonely and isolated. It is so incredibly common!

How to find your mothers’ village with a baby

• Attend the mothers’ groups at Making Mama!
• Find mothers’ groups through your local child health clinics
• Find mothers’ groups through other businesses for mums – some offer support for mums and some offer activities for babies
• Attend your local library for baby related activities
• Join a local fitness group for mums
• Attend a local breastfeeding group with the Australian Breastfeeding Association
• Attend a local playgroup with Playgroup Australia or likewise

One of the things I’ve realised as my children have grown is that no matter how old they are, we all continue to need a village. I needed mum support when my kids were in primary school AND high school. Children go through so many stages and various challenges and it’s always a wonderful feeling to realise other parents go through similar experiences and that you are not alone.

Ways to form your mothers’ village for older children

• Volunteer for the school tuckshop – it is a great source of information about the school and an opportunity to form lasting friendships with other mothers
• Volunteer as school-based parent helpers – sports carnivals, classroom assistance etc
• Volunteer for the school P&F (or P&C)
• Volunteer for the school fete (if you have one)
• Attend class or year level parent dinners/social events/play dates for kids

It can be a difficult thing to show up to something you haven’t been to before, when you don’t know anyone, and you are feeling less than perfect (about your mothering, about your appearance, about anything really). Most mums feel some level of anxiety walking into a room of strangers, hoping to God you won’t be judged for something. It takes courage and a bit of bravery. Listen to your gut instincts. You will know if it feels right for you. You will know if you feel you connected to the person in charge or other mums. You will know if you feel supported in anything you contribute or say. You will know if you feel safe and accepted.

Look for your village mamas. I promise you that your mothers’ village will see you through the hard days. Whether it’s a text message to another mum in the middle of the night saying ‘this sucks!’ and she says ‘oh I know it!’, whether you seek information about something or just need to hear ‘yep, that’s happening for me too’, it is worth its weight in gold. Ease the isolation. Ease the loneliness. Find your tribe. Find your village of support. You don’t need to do mothering alone.

To find your village through the Making Mama mothers’ groups, click here for more information.

The post The importance of the mothers’ village appeared first on Making Mama.

We all know the story. You went out to the local shopping centre to get a few jobs done. You had a list of 10 items and only three got ticked off. The baby cried because she was tired and couldn’t sleep. The toddler threw himself on the floor in a tantrum when you wanted him to hurry up with the pull along shopping basket and you tried to ‘help’. Mr Independent wanted to do it all.by.himself. Ugh. The whole thing was a disaster.

Does shopping with young children have to be this hard?

In the ideal world we would all have a village of support where you can pass your baby and toddlers to someone else’s loving arms to care for while you get stuff done.

My top 7 tips for managing shopping with young children

We all need to get stuff done, right? It might be the errands at a shopping centre, or it could be grocery shopping. Trying to do so with babies and toddlers in tow is definitely not easy. It does vary from family to family depending on the temperament of the child and how many children you are wrangling, and other factors outside our control. Here are my top tips I’ve learned along the way by experiencing the hard times:

1. Take a photo of inside your fridge before you go shopping. How many times when you are doing groceries can you just not remember if you need milk? Yep, always. There’s always something you can’t remember because you.are.just.so.tired. Solve that by taking photos of inside the fridge, freezer, pantry before you go.
2. Go shopping when your baby and toddler is not too tired. Taking tired children shopping almost always ends in disaster, unless they are brilliant at falling asleep in a baby carrier or stroller. I used to time my grocery shopping when I knew my baby was tired. This only worked because I would pop her in the baby carrier and she would sleep for the whole hour while I shopped in peace. Put her in the trolley capsule and she’d be crying the whole time!
3. Use snacks to keep your kids happy while you shop. Whether you take advantage of the ‘free fruit for kids’ in some supermarkets in Australia, or you bring your own snacks, if it means you can whiz around without too much disruption – do what works! You can also get your kids to count the pieces of fruit into the produce bags, or ask the toddler to put (aka throw!) each item into the trolley. Involving the kids in the activity can make it more bearable (and can keep them from wanting to climb out of the trolley!).
4. Use your baby carriers for your baby or toddler – put toddlers on your back – it keeps them from touching everything! You won’t find yourself saying a million times to ‘put that back’, ‘don’t touch’ etc. It also helps in this current climate of COVID-19 to keep their hands sanitised. It also gives you two free hands to wrangle the shopping!
5. Work around your partner’s schedule so you can shop alone. When my daughter was 2 years old she hated the stroller, wanted to walk everywhere and touched everything! It drove me mad because I felt like I was constantly asking her to stop and I couldn’t get things done quickly. So, I started shopping on Thursday nights when the shops were open late. I waited until my husband was home from work, we had done the dinner and bath routine, and I had breastfed my daughter to sleep. Then I had about 90 minutes to run like crazy, but it was less stressful and I got more achieved!
6. Shop online. Some mums literally don’t have anyone to ask to care for their children. You might be a single mum, have a FIFO partner, or one who just travels a lot for work, or you might just not want to leave your baby with someone else (completely understandable!). If shopping with your baby or toddler is plain hard work, then perhaps online shopping is the way to go for you. It can really take the pressure off.
7. Do your grocery shopping online. If grocery shopping is becoming a nightmare, or you.just.don’t.have.time anymore, shop online. The prices are usually a tiny bit more expensive, and yes, you may need to pay for delivery, but I swear, you’ll save money from not buying all the impulse buys! You create a standard list on the supermarket website, which you quickly tick through each time, and then grab the extras you need. It has been a lifesaver for me over the last few years as my life has become busier. I also don’t have kids begging for particular foods because they don’t get to see all the options out there – most of which are highly processed and unhealthy anyway!

So, what do you do?

Which tip resonates the most with you?

Being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences a woman can go through. We all have different stories though – some mums have had the fortune of easy breastfeeding, a settled baby who sleeps for long periods, and babies and toddlers who have calm temperaments so they can get out and about and get stuff done. Conversely, there are mums where things are tough. The unsettled baby, the one who hardly sleeps a wink, the exhausted mum who just can’t go out because the baby or toddler cries all the time. If you are this mum, you can feel like a failure because you don’t have the ‘happy child’, you are a failure because you can’t achieve just a few errands or one whole grocery shop without incident and it all equals one big fat feeling of loneliness. So to help you, I’d recommend following at least one of the above tips. It’s amazing how much better you will feel to achieve something without the screaming child.

Key takeaways from this shopping adventure

1. As always, find what works for you and your child. If your baby sleeps well in a sling/carrier, use it! If your baby doesn’t, maybe online shopping is better for you for right now. Remember, this won’t last forever!
2. Be kind to yourself. If today was a terrible time at the shopping centre, try again another day. You are not a failure, that’s just your critical self talking. You are a good mother whose child just didn’t cope with the circumstances today.
3. The best way to manage the rollercoaster of motherhood is to actually go with the flow. If you get upset and think it’s all too hard because your toddler laid on the floor of the supermarket screaming because you said no to the lollies, it will feel intolerable. Take every win you get. Look for the good.

Final Thoughts

There’s a story about a mum who was overheard in the supermarket saying to her toddler who wanted a toy, “not today, but it’s okay, there’s only 2 more aisles to go”. They went down the next aisle and the toddler threw himself on the floor because he wanted the chips and his mum said no. The mum said, “I know this feels hard, you are tired, but we are nearly finished and then we’ll go home”. As the mum was going through the checkout and the toddler was still crying and wanting the lollipop on display, she said, “you’ve done so well, it’s time to go home and rest now and then do something fun!” The observer approached the mum and complimented her on how well she had spoken to her toddler in a difficult time. The mum turned and said, “oh, I wasn’t talking to him, I was talking to myself!”

If you are looking for more help with mum hacks, check out the workshop called The Messy Life.

The post 7 Tips to Surviving Shopping with Babies and Toddlers appeared first on Making Mama.

“I came home from hospital with C-Man on day five, and ended up with bleeding nipples the very next afternoon. I fell apart emotionally when C-Man had blood running out of his mouth. By coincidence, the midwife called right at that time so she had me crying on the phone. She was so nice and suggested I stop breastfeeding for at least 24 hours to give the nipples a break so I expressed for about 36 hours until the midwife came to visit a few days later. It was a really emotional time, I think I cried from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning.”

Breastfeeding Challenges

I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do.

The things that made it hard

When I read back through my notes from the early days of breastfeeding, a few big things stand out – my desire to breastfeeding because I believed it was the normal and natural way to feed a baby, my misconception that breastfeeding would be easy, the conflicting advice I received, and the pain and subsequent emotional upheaval I went through. Let’s have a look at my notes…

1. “Because I didn’t get to have a vaginal delivery breastfeeding is the only natural thing I get to do with him and it’s really important to me. I will be COMPLETELY devastated if I can’t breastfeed.  As well as the benefits for the baby, it’s just such a natural thing I want to do from my core – especially because I didn’t have a vaginal delivery – I will be absolutely gutted if I can’t – and because I’m so stubborn, I will keep persevering through this pain and hopefully it might get better!”

2. “I never knew that breastfeeding was so challenging! I’ve seen so many other women feed and it seems so easy. If I didn’t realise there was professional help I probably would have given up too because of the pain, and then I would have been an emotional wreck for a long time about it.”

3. “Last week I was told by Child Health I had nipple thrush. Yesterday morning the GP said I had nipple vasospasm. Then the lactation consultant said she didn’t believe I had either. The differing opinions has just completely done my head in! She agreed I have some new damage (blisters – oh how lovely!), but couldn’t figure out why because the latching on was fine. I just wanted a quick fix – some medication or something to take the pain away because I am so over it! But no – I have to persevere and maybe it will stop at some point.”

4. “I’m still torturing the poor child because sometimes it takes 4 or 5 attachments to get it right so he doesn’t like having to come off all the time when he’s hungry! It’s really starting to hurt a lot again (different hurt to the cracked nipples though), so I’m not sure what’s happening. When C-Man’s latched on he really pulls his head back hard so it feels like my nipple is going to be ripped off and I don’t know how to stop him. I’m at my wits end with this nipple pain. It’s been a whole month of pain now and I don’t know what to do. It’s so painful – at my worst, C-Man will be screaming and I’ll be bawling and just cuddling him because I can’t bear to have him go on! There must be light at the end of the tunnel – maybe if I wasn’t so tired I might see it!! I think the really long feeds were really draining me – physically and maybe emotionally. I just wanted them to end. The pain was awful, and went through to my back – straight through the breast into the back – and it was so tiring. I have absolutely NO pain in my right breast – and it’s actually enjoyable (never thought it would get to that point!) but the left is painful – sometimes pretty bad – during attachment and then eases and is very comfortable. Now that the feeds are shorter and pain free, I’ve really felt more bonded to him in the last couple of days – and just can’t stop cuddling him afterwards, whereas before all I wanted to do was put him down because I was so tired from feeding.”

5. “I sat there feeding last night with tears running down my face and I don’t want this to be a negative experience for me, or C-Man, because I’m sure he senses the negative vibes. I think I know what I’m doing wrong (moving his head towards the breast), but I panic when he’s in a frenzy and won’t latch on and is waving his arms around and shoving his fists in his mouth and I can’t hold his body, my breast, and his 2 arms all at the same time, and he’s screaming his head off. I need to learn how to manage that. For most feeds today C-Man goes about 10 minutes then fights the breast, crying and wrapping his tongue around the tip of my nipple and not latching on.  It ended up with me in tears tonight because I thought he was hungry and I couldn’t feed him.” 

So, where did this leave me?

The two most common breastfeeding problems that mums hear about is not enough milk and mastitis. I didn’t have either. But I did have a whole bunch of other problems that are not commonly discussed amongst mums. Initiating breastfeeding with my first baby was one of my biggest challenges. It turns out I had cracked and bleeding nipples, nipple thrush, nipple vasospasm, a fast flow causing attachment issues, and an oversupply of breastmilk which caused lactose overload in my baby. Phew. That’s a lot! 

In many cases, this would mean early cessation of breastfeeding, but I weaned my baby when he was 15 months old. So other than my stubbornness and perseverance, which all come down to my personality, what else got me over the line? Support, support, support! I now know that support and correct information is what helps mums successfully breastfeed for as long as they and their baby wish. For me it was support from my husband, my mum, my sister and a couple of friends. I also had support from health professionals, albeit confusing and conflicting, it helped me navigate my way through. 

Key takeaways from my breastfeeding experience

1. If it hurts, there is something not right with the attachment.
2. Find support from those around you. If you don’t have anyone in your direct life, seek support from breastfeeding experts or find other breastfeeding mothers. 
3. Seek as much information as you can from reputable sources. Attend an antenatal breastfeeding class and join the local breastfeeding support group in your area.

Final Thoughts

I believe that breastfeeding is the normal way to feed human babies, but it is a learned skill. The covering up of babies whilst they are breastfeeding, combined with the declining rates of breastfeeding in the last number of decades has meant that our first time mums sometimes don’t have exposure to breastfeeding, or the village of support that once existed. We don’t have our elders teaching us how to do it. Therefore we must rely on breastfeeding experts, International Board Certified Lactation Consultants, workshops on breastfeeding issues, or leading authorities in breastfeeding like the Australian Breastfeeding Association to provide us with the correct information and support. Finding a breastfeeding support group can be crucial for some mums, and something I wish I had found when I was going through all my difficulties with C-Man. It would have certainly helped to realise I was not alone and that it would get better. It doesn’t necessarily take the physical pain away, but it eases the emotional pain. We all need that kind of support. 

The post When Breastfeeding Isn’t Easy appeared first on Making Mama.

Are you a stay at home mum? Who stays at home? Who has all day to get stuff done, yet suddenly it is almost dinner time, your partner is about to walk through the door and the place is a tip? The guilt sets in. What did you actually do all day? No housework got done, the washing you put in the machine is still sitting in there wet, the dirty dishes are piling up, and you can’t remember if you had a shower. Hmm… if this sounds like you, you are not alone!

How will you ever get housework done?

Yes, I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? The kids are still alive!

My Top 5 Housework Tips

1. Baby wipes are your best friend! You can use them to wipe furniture, benches, bathroom sinks, walls. They can wipe anything off your baby’s hands and face, or your own. Keep them everywhere – in the house, the car, the nappy bag, the bottom of the pram! If you don’t like the idea of using copious amounts of baby wipes for environmental or financial reasons, buy some cheap face washers. Use them after your baby has eaten family foods and it’s everywhere and then throw them in the wash. Use them to wipe down the bathroom sink! 

2. Clean as you go. While you are brushing your teeth, wipe the sink with a cloth. Having a shower? Scrub the walls. We don’t have time for proper cleaning when we have babies and toddlers so just get the bare basics done when you can. Wipe the fridge out while you wait for vegies to cook. 

3. Run the dishwasher even if it isn’t full. I didn’t learn this tip until my kids were much older but I love it! It means that you regularly have clean dishes, even if you use the eco cycle to use less water.

4. Become a laundry master. For every person in your house, have a separate laundry basket. You most likely throw it all into one basket in a mess and it might get dumped on the couch, your kitchen table, or the floor because you need to use the basket again for the next load. Go and buy a few cheap baskets. Every time you take the washing off the line or out of the dryer, place each item into each person’s basket. That way if you are hectic and need clean undies for yourself, you know to go straight to your own basket and they will be there. You don’t need to sort through the entire mountain of washing.

5. Use containers to stay organised. Kids toys are so hard to keep tidy. If you have people popping over, it’s easy to do a quick clean up by using containers, baskets, bins, totes, to shove everything in! Kids are more likely to help too if you ask them to put things in a container/basket.

Final Thoughts

Mothering a baby and/or a toddler is exhausting. Sleep deprivation makes you move in slow mo, while a cyclone is happening around you. If the only thing you did today was feed your children and love them, that is enough! We are ever so critical of ourselves because someone once said that we must be “perfect mothers” – Supermums – whatever that means. I’ll let you in on a little secret: she doesn’t actually exist! I promise you that your house will not look like a bomb hit it forever. Your children will grow and you will get stuff done. Mama, squeeze those bubbas just a little more because that is way more important than vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.

If you are looking for more support around managing motherhood in the home, register now for The Messy Life workshop.

The post How to get house work done with a newborn and a toddler. appeared first on Making Mama.